Life without Law & Order

Can you imagine it? NO Law & Order?

Through this period in my life of intense self-discovery (no...not the 20s - just a six-week Quest class at IBC), I was asked to define what my life would be like if I were to please everyone - if I focused my energy and attention on meeting everyone's expectations of me. So in the sense of seeking wholeness from this exercise, I walked down the well-worn path of self introspection and made my token list of all external influencers. I had no doubt that I like for other friends & loved ones to be happy - I enjoy playing a part in their happiness. I would much rather take a burden upon myself and bear the weight of pain than see someone else close to me not being completely joyful. I didn't feel like people have placed undue "expectations" upon me, besides the necessary ones of success, fulfillment, intelligence, marriage, kids, career, joy, purpose, mission...all while keeping a very pleasant attitude. Those, of course, are not too much to ask. Those are merely the necessities of life.

Back to my list - I discovered that there are numerous expectations which I am attempting to fulfill. I have a jaded and cynical perspective sometimes - I feel like everyone around me expects me to be more positive. Sometimes my opinion or attitude can be rather abrasive and truthful - I think that some just want me to be soft and gentle and sweet. I have been through hurt and pain (just like the next person) and have abandoned all naivety the world expects of a young, single girl - but sometimes I am just to be quiet and innocent and approach a situation with all the trust and respect of a newborn baby. Expectations...not loud ones, but quiet, implied expectations...those are the ones that haunt me.

So the guide book did what any effective Southern Baptist Sunday school curriculum would do in order to drive home a point and illustrate the end result succintly - it asked me to draw a picture. DRAW. I don't draw, I don't illustrate, I don't do any of that. So in my rebellious yet justified manner, I decided I would write something to tell how I "feel" when I am trying to meet everyone's expectations. Ergo, I pulled out the clipboard and my favorite pen (Pentel EnerGel Stick 0.7 mm) and began to gather my thoughts.

Sure enough - at the time when I am required to write something for a class, I get nothing. Well, not nothing - I got one thing - a title. That was it. Isn't that the curse for a writer? (I say it like I'm a writer) You should NEVER come up with the title first. I had officially limited myself to this one thought. But I think it was probably destiny (or just God speaking), because the title fit. It is how I imagine my life if I am trying to please everyone:

"Life Without Law & Order"

You see, my definition of "pleasing people" and "meeting expectations" is time and attention. I show people love through the time I spend with them. (I know some of you probably think I don't love you very much because I don't spend much time with you, but wait! That is the tiny little burden I carry around...I need to be with them more! I feel guilty for not...haunts me, consumes me, etc) When there are so many people I love and so many times I need to share with them, my life will soon become one without Law & Order...as in the TV show. Regardless of the numerous times that this show manifests itself weekly on the varied re-run channels, there are still times that I will go weeks without watching. Thus, I am immediately convinced that I need to slow down and take stock. If I don't have time for Law & Order, I don't have quiet time for me. And no quiet for me means that I haven't made one place for God in my busy busy schedule.

Thus, my life becomes one without law and order (the nouns). For we know that God gave us the law to bring to light our sins - Paul tells us that we would not even know what sin were if not expressed through the law (Romans 7:7). So if I pursue a life consumed by the expectations of others, I have no time to observe and partake of the law that God has given us. Now, being a faithful Southern Baptist who just loves that grace, some say that we can ignore God's law because we are covered under grace, so we're safe...

Please note my dissent: if we no longer read God's word and view it as a rule for our lives, we forget about our need for salvation - we continue in our walk as "good-doing" Christians, and soon become self-righteous individuals who are no longer in need of saving. We remove ourselves from the law by concentrating on good works and focus not on our lives, but only our rewards in heaven (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but just go with it...) A life once restored by grace has become a life consumed by "performing" for God, doing good works, enveloped by the daily tasks and random acts of kindness...one that has last order. We are a species generated under God's order of creation - He has dominion over the world, and we are to have dominion over our lives (order). Meeting the demands of the general public completely removes God's domain in my life and replaces it with chaotic and absurd schedules.

So I continue on - continue to love others and do what I need to do to keep them happy and try to meet the expectations placed over me. But in my approach of loving and respecting others I replace the sovereign authority of God with the demanding and menial tasks of another needy human.

So next time you see me in an attempt to meet someone else's expectations or "pre-conceived notions" of which my life should fall under, remind me of the only expectation I need to fulfill - and that's letting God love me and accepting His gift - allowing His law to give my life order.

(...or spending either Sunday, Tuesday, or Wednesday from 9-10 on my couch in front of NBC.)