On Surrender

I don't know where this thought came from, and if I've had it before or if it's a new thing. The main query here is "why?" It all starts on a cool brisk day near the autumnal equinox, when the days gradually begin the descent towards being shorter than the nights, and the passion to be 'just who God made me to be' is in its most ever-present existence. Yesterday was a day full of bitterness and frustration...almost an ominous presence of fear and confusion. Today there's clarity and maybe even a minute sense of peace, but no questions have been answered. (no...tell me it's not true...tell me I'm not like every other woman whose moods are determined by her emotions and stereotypical 'chemical inbalances'!) Unfortunately, I am. I am a human being created with just particles of dust and spoken words from the Almighty. I am made of mistakes, insecurites, fleshly desires, sinful habits...and yet crafted by the hand of the King of Kings. How is this possible?

God is a very gracious and considerate God. He loves us so much that we have a choice whether or not we want to love Him and follow Him. So I make the choice to follow Him. I give my life to Him. I pledge to love the Lord with my heart, soul, mind and spirit. I commit to go into the world and preach the gospel to all the nations, and I even promise to love my neighbor as myself (which is a whole heck of a lot!) Now on to the practical matters...my wants, desires, problems and decisions. What do I do with them? Give them to God? "Okay, God, here you go - you can have them!"

Anyone who knows me knows that I need a 3-step process for doing anything. Please give me a list with little check boxes so I can know exactly what's left to be done! Unfortunately, even though God created my mind to work that way, He wants me to be a little more open-minded, faithful and trustworthy in order to figure this one out. Surrender. When I've got something burdening me...hmmm, let's take money for example. I had to drop my car off at the doctor yesterday and spend money set aside for bills to make it well again. So frustrating! Okay, God, take my money situation and make it yours so I stop worrying. So this morning, when a friend was talking about surrendering a situation of hers, God placed this thought in my head...

"Stop trying to give me little modular aspects of your life - I don't want your money situation or your relationship situation..." What? You don't want my money and my relationship to be yours? "No Amy...I want YOU to be mine." Get OUT! No way. That's it?

That's it. Only until I am able to give Him everything...
I just wonder what God thinks of me. Sometimes I feel so foolish giving the same Sunday School answers and making the same mistakes over and over again. Surrender isn't about handing over something minimal to the feet of Christ, it's about having your life (your whole, entire, all-encompassing LIFE) in such a place that it is already His. Surrender is not waiting on God to fulfill your personal desires - surrender is making your desires His by delighting in Him first. Psalm 37:4...in my own words, of course. Maybe this is something I should have realized before, but it was just so profound today. It's like being a financial planner - people come in and ask us to look at one aspect of their financial plan - their retirement, their cash flow, their children's education - so we run what's called a "modular analysis" to give them an answer. Between you and me, this is not effective. I can tell you how much you need to retire, but does your cash flow sufficiently reflect that? Your kids need education funds, but how is that going to affect your retirement goals? You see, God doesn't even offer modular plans - He looks at the big picture all the time and wishes we would too. Surrender is a life decision, not a moment - surrender is having a broken and contrite spirit, coming humbly before the Lord, denying everything you ever wanted for yourself and saying "Here am I, send me."

Come to think of it, I've had this thought before, because I'm so tired from trying and trying and trying to 'get my life in the right place'. Instead, the Father says to come to Him and He will give rest to the weary, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Drop everything - just drop it ALL right now, Amy. It's His. It's not yours. God doesn't want your money, God wants your LIFE.

Tell Me Please!!

What is it God? Tell me, please...what exactly are you trying to do with my life? Struggles, pain, trials, lessons...why does there always have to be a lesson? Why can't it just be something that I'm gonna run into and then get out of? Can't we just have a normal day?

Now Amy...who am I to question God? I am just so overwhelmed right now. He's physically removing people from my life. He's literally showing me pictures of who I can be in Him. He's emotionally prodding me to do something more. He's spiritually convicting me about being HIS child. Now...if He could just audibly speak the underlying theme, the ulterior motive, the intended purpose, the end goal...I would be SO much better off...seriously. But it's now become a matter of faith.

A friend asked me the other day how she was ever going to know God's will for her. How else do I respond except with the ominous Sunday School answers..."stay in the Word, pray, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you". Today I told Emmers that sometimes we just need a little skin. God, I need not only skin, but a set of instructions with steps labeled 1., 2. and 3. oh right...the Bible. I know it...I've got all the answers. God can speak audibly - He can physically show you His will. But application...application is the difficult part. Let go and let God. Turn it over to Him. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanding..." Those annoying little one-liners that resound in our head...the problem is that they're all Truth.

Things are good - they really are. But do you ever get that brief sense of boredom and discontent? (or sometimes not-so-brief...) I feel as though God has placed a dozen different "life-paths" in front of me in just as many days. I go back to my days of Psalty the Singing Songbook and remember all of the children shouting at once that he or she could be a "teacher, a preacher, a nurse, a lawyer, a doctor, or even a janitor!" That is exactly what is going through my head right now. Is it a struggle with contentment or is it God pushing me to do His work? There is no definitive path. I want to so be in His will, because, for obvious reasons, "I won't be happy, content, or satisfied until I am."

Goodness, I do sound a bit cynical today. Maybe it's the cold front coming in. Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's just me. Regardless, like my friend needs to hear a heartbeat, I need an audible voice. A very, very loud one.

Thank you God for being who I need...especially when I don't even know Who or what that is...
"...and my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Toothbrushes

...ya know, sometimes you just gotta learn to let go.

Early this morning, somewhere between wakefulness and dreaming, I gazed into the cabinet in my bathroom and realized it was time to say goodbye. On the top shelf laid two toothbrushes, one of which I removed this morning. It wasn't that difficult to just remove it from the cabinet, but when I looked back on that top shelf, it was just this lonely pink toothbrush laying there all by itself - accompanied only by some toothpaste and deoderant, both of which Pink had trouble relating. It almost made me sad - to see such an innocent toothbrush suffering the pains of being alone was very distressing.

But it was time - it was time to let go of the blue toothbrush. You see, there was a time when it served an incredible purpose. Blue had the mighty task of cleaning someone's teeth - a most precious commodity NOT to be taken lightly. It was responsible for making sure Pink didn't get too lonely. But that time has come for it to be removed from the cabinet - it had a reason to be there but the reason has now ceased in its existence.

Now I am faced with some new choices - do I try to fill Pink's world with friends like Orange, Green, and Purple? or do I learn to like the look of Pink just enjoying the shelf all to herself? (sometimes it is very nice to not have to worry about another toothbrush getting in the way - just more spit and toothpaste I would have to clean off of the shelf) Regardless, Blue has moved on - it has come to a place where it must be content with the fact that its purpose has been served and is seeking fulfillment elsewhere (which is yet to be determined).

It was a difficult thing to do - actually removing toothbrush Blue from the cabinet and leaving Pink all to herself, but I think it will be okay. I will learn to like the look of Pink being up there on that shelf all alone - Orange, Green and Purple aren't necessary just yet. But it makes complete sense - if Blue is no longer being used, if its bristles aren't quite up to par and the finger-grip has lost its lackluster, is it really worth holding on to? Sometimes if you brush too forcibly, the bristles get damaged more quickly, and then what? Over time, the bristles aren't going to get stronger, they'll just gradually break down more and more until all that is left is a mediocre toothbrush with bad bristles.

Rather than excusing the bad bristles with no effectiveness left, I ventured down the path of mediocre tooth brushing because I was comfortable with Blue being there on that shelf, regardless of the lack in its duty. Now it is only Pink that's left and she is learning what it's like to have a shelf all to herself.

To all the 'Blues' out there who are finding their purpose eleswhere - many props for your fearlessness and much prayer and encouragement in finding your fulfillment. My love and my prayers go out to your endeavors.
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day..." 2 Timothy 4:7-8

To all the 'Pinks' who have a shelf to themselves - you are not alone.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified...for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deut 31:6

-- Dedicated to my girls who are new in this "got the shelf to myself" thing...love you two --

"Two are better than one...If one falls down, his friend can help him up...though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Ecc 4:9-10, 12

Freedom...again

It seems that I am always thinking about 'freedom' and what it feels like to really be free. But in all actuality, I don't think about it enough. I forget about the fact that Christ has released me from the oppressing bondage that sin has on my life. I forget that He became a man so that I might be released of condemnation and set free to share His gospel -

But I'm thinking about a different freedom. Last night I started a women's Bible study at IBC on Romans - the title of it is "Free: Released to Be Uniquely Me." Last night I saw a perfect picture of who I could be in Christ - if only...

After Jesus had risen and was in the Upper Room with the disciples, He ministered and shared his heart with them. Even Peter, who had denied Christ three times, was sitting there next to Christ. You can be sure that Peter regretted his numerous words of denial (yes...three times in less than 12 hours) but was thanking God for the opportunity to be there in Christ's presence at the moment. Think about Judas - the one who gave Jesus up for 30 pieces of silver and betrayed Him with a kiss. Judas had so much regret, remorse, and sorrow - so much pain that he couldn't bear it and went up a hill where he hung himself and committed suicide. Judas himself was his greatest critic and knew he had failed Christ, and yet he kept his head down and his eyes closed to the obvious characteristics of love and compassion Jesus was so dying (literally) to share with him. Do you not think, that at the moment Jesus was sharing with the disciples in the upper room, that He was wishing Judas was also sitting there next to Him? He wanted to release Judas from the bondage he was harboring inside and show him the glory of living amidst the presence of the Lord - release peace and quiet into his heart. That's what He did for Peter. That's what He has done for you and me. But Judas had taken it upon himself to make that decision and that judgment.

Sometimes I feel like Judas - well, sometimes I am Judas. I do things that completely deny Christ of my heart and my life. He wants to release me through love and forgiveness so that I can be uniquely me - that unforgiven sin and deep regret won't keep me from seeking His will for my life. There are many times that I feel too ashamed to go to Christ - even times that I am too embarrassed or ashamed about myself to be who I am in front of a group of friends. I am fearful of their judgment. I am scared that if I share what Christ has given me - if I share the uniqueness He created in me - it won't be accepted and I will be rejected. I look to friend and foe to make a decision about what makes me beautiful, what makes me great. I look left and right...up and down...for acceptance, for grace, for answers. I look in the wrong places, for I am Judas. Judas could have taken his eyes off the ground and looked across the hill of Calvary and put his eyes on the cross, stepped down off the stool he was using to reach the noose, got on His knees, and said "Father, forgive me. Your will, not mine."

I saw a picture of freedom last night - God gave me a vision of just who I can be in Him as long as I no longer remain hindered by fear, by sin, by doubt. I am to walk with faith and know that if I delight in Him, He will grant me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). And I saw that desire just a few hours ago. Now to wait and see...

"Father, forgive me for going ahead of you and being who my friends, family, and even strangers think I should be. Your will, not mine."

Today's Prayer

"I now put on with thanks the armor which You have provided for me - girding myself with the belt of truth; binding up all that is vulnerable of my femininity; first my need to be pursued and fought for. Thank You for daily pursuing me and fighting for me as well.

I also gird up my desire to be irreplaceable in a grand scheme of Yours. You have placed this desire within me and I wrap Your truth around it, in hope of what You will do. Grant me eyes to see each day in light of Your activity, to live in the big-ness of Your story.

I gird up my desire to offer life through my gifting, the beauty You have bestowed on me. I ask You to continue to reveal and confirm what You desire to do through me and all You have given to me. I trust that You have called me by name and have given me a love, a beauty, a gift to pour out on my family, my friends, and those You bring to me. May this day be an offering of love poured out before You on the altar of my life."

- Captivating

Blog Defined: What Matters

What really matters? What should be the substance of our lives?

Right now I know three girls who believed they were committed lifelong but are suffering instead from broken hearts. Love and security matters to them.
The population of my city has, in the last week, increased by 25,000 because of numerous people displaced by one of, if not the, most deleterious natural disaster of our time. Food and shelter matters to those families.
My mother is celebrating her 40-year high school class reunion next week and the entire original class is going to be there - not one missing. Good health and old friendships matter to the Class of 1965.

In my cynical world of nothing ever being perfect or right, I tend to move away from rainbows and dreams and find security in struggles and the pain of life. I know struggle is hard because I have gone through it. I know pain is real because I've hurt numerous times. Just because I have experienced those things...is that what is of utmost importance in my life?

I have 'mystical' friends who like to find their hope in the new sunshine of the day when the fight has been too tough. Dreams are an escape and a determination of a prosperous future for them. But avoiding the present and fast-forwarding to the future - is that what is of utmost importance to them?

I tell them they like to escape things - they tell me I'm too negative. But one thing we have in common - we fight our battles with the same strength and we find our hope in the same place. Jesus Christ. Not everyone in the world has that great blessing, because others seek comfort and peace in the temporal and fleshly manner.

My job doesn't matter.
My romantic life doesn't matter.
My car doesn't matter.
My clothes don't matter.
My college degree doesn't matter.
My mother, father and brothers are even out of the picture on this one too, for Christ says that "...He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me." (Matthew 10:37)

We are called on a mission for Christ's Kingdom, and that is what is of utmost importance. His Kingdom is eternal, and we will never be satisfied with something temporal or short-term. God created us for two things - to glorify Him and further His Kingdom. Because my life is richer when I am faithful and obedient, I will accept the call. Now, I will be counting on each of you to help me along on this journey, because I know that I will fall - time and again. Obedience and sacrifice never come easy. But I want my life to be that which will win hearts and souls - through what venue or what job or what country is to still be determined, but as His child, I want to do my best to remain faithful.

...for in all eternity, this life of Amy Gillispie really does matter.