Tumbleweeds

I just wanted to share a couple of photos from my trip out west over Thanksgiving. This is my friend Kati, who also grew up in the Panhandle of Texas. We wanted to share the beauty of our land with ya'll, so we pulled the car over and took a few photos of the landscape. Please notice the big sky and flat land, with a backdrop of very typical tumbleweeds and barbed wire fences.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I call home. We don't grow those ol' regular tumbleweeds of merely a foot or two high- we grow those that are mightier than we are tall. Sunday was a blustery day that I saw these critters blowin across the plains...rollin towards nowhere.

I hope you enjoy ~ it's not everyday you get to experience a little bit of West Texas...

Mexican Food

He told me that I had to blog about his Mexican food, so here I am...blogging about his Mexican food. Cheers to you, Brian ~

I have an incredible family. I really do. As the youngest of three children (and the only girl), I partook in my share...which was a generous helping...of torture. I was tormented by two older brothers who were ten and six years older than me. They got their choice of curfew, while I got the "nothing good happens after midnight" lecture. They wore rat tails and parachute pants, while my daddy threatened to sew ruffles on my mini skirts. They locked me in the house when my mother was out running errands and wouldn't let me play with the cousins during intense games of hide & seek at Babboo's house. But my brothers were cool - they were supreme.

When I was in elementary, I would ride to school with Brian (since he was able to drive) and we would listen to White Snake the entire way...four blocks to be exact. When he would go to visit his girlfriend in Spearman, he would graciously (after hours of pleading) take me with him and let me hang out with her younger brother. Big time. His friends always ignored me when they would come to visit, but I always found some way to get in on their fun.

Back long before school started, Clay devoted hours to teaching me everything that he knew. I was reading by age four, as he had me checking out books from the Gillispie library - children's books with homemade white check out cards strategically taped in the back. Clay took me under his wing and showed me the ropes - building castles in the sand box, learning to skate on roller skates, cooking in our easy-bake oven, performing tricks on the trampoline, and even learning what it takes to take care of our dogs - Baxter the cocker spaniel and Glory the dalmatian. I was his student and he was my teacher.

Both of them went before me and made the road a little easier to travel. We spent hours with my dad working cattle at the West Place, and both had to repeatedly encourage me in how to properly yell at the cattle to get them herded the right direction. With Brian and Clay driving the tractor years ahead of me, the task became less strenuous when I knew it was just part of being a farmer's child. Both of them went ahead of me to Tech, so when it was my turn, I knew two people who had not only succeeded away from home, but were willing to give me hints and advice for the unknown steps ahead of me. Brian secured a position for me working at the athletic ticket office, while Clay spent hours toting me around campus and making sure I knew exactly where Holden Hall was located.

So yeah, we may be far apart in age and didn't spend lots of time together in school...
You can safely say we didn't spend time in deep, meaningful conversations...
You could even go so far as to say that the three of us really don't have that much in common...
except for one thing...

We're family. We make up a crew of five who do love each other and care about the well being of one another. We know that we're family in an even greater aspect - God's family - and are brothers and sister(s) under His name. And I guess I don't say it often enough, but I do love them so. Perhaps I have even ventured down the road and say that there were times in my life that both of them disappointed me. But I know I haven't always been pristine, and that my actions have also housed disappointment they did not expect. But I do owe them a considerable amount of thanks and never say it often enough.

To Clay...three cheers to you. I thank you for the years you spent educating me and nurturing me...26 and counting. For starting me out on the right foot and even taking me in at age 23 when I didn't have an idea of who I was or where I was going...you were fit for the task. Thanks for loving me when I was most unlovable and for sharing plane tickets when I was not even deserving. You are diligent in your efforts, and I congratulate you and rejoice with you on the milestones your life is exceedingly surpassing. You are to not only be commended, but to be humbly thanked for making sure we were able to share our lives together.

And to Brian...here is to your Mexican food. Here is to years surpassed that included family vacations completely annoying one another, moving towards sitting down to a fantastic dinner cooked by you (he has turned over this rather intriguing domestic side) and engaging in more meaningful conversation. Here is to moving past petty arguments and finally reaching an age of maturity where your influence in my life and my perspective towards yours can finally be something meaningful. It seems that I spent years trying to be you and you spent years trying to discourage me into something else unique. Thanks for not allowing me to settle...even though it wasn't conveyed in the way I expected or demanded. Thanks for rising above ~

The holidays sure can make you sentimental, and I am ashamed that I have never taken the time to tell Brian and Clay what they mean to me. I undoubtedly rest assured that both are not happy this is posted for the world to enjoy (or endure), but I know that both need to know how special and important they are in my life. We've all messed up and made mistakes - we will continue to make them for the rest of our lives...I know I am going to be a specialist by the time I am our parents' age. But I hope and pray that we all (as in the world) can continue to live our lives in maturity, rising above foolish decisions and days of folly in order to preserve the one thing on this earth of which we are guaranteed - family.

Love to you both - to many more years of Mexican food...

It's Always About Eternity

Last night I ran into my cousin whose life told a story of one who has endured endless pain, suffering and disappointment, yet last night she reflected glory, beauty and grace. I told her so. I looked into her eyes and explained the perfect exquisiteness she was, at that very moment, beholding. She is a mother of three beaming boys - ages eight, six and two - and recently became a newlywed again. Despite knowing her intense past and experiencing the endurance of her suffering, I looked longingly at her glowing countenance and wondered why it wasn't me.

Her sister was whose wedding we were attending. I did not covet the exorbitant yet grandiose collection of white organza and pink satin flowing gracefully from her shapely figure, yet the sparkle in her eye captured peace and satisfaction beyond the vows she was yet to recite. Her countenance emitted peace, despite the whirlwind of chaos and decisions abounding right outside the bridal suite's door. She was about to make a lifelong commitment to a man she's only known for a short time and was publicly proclaiming her diligence in maintaining purity for this one man who had done the same. Entering into a vast unknown of sacrifice and dedication, of committing to no longer thinking of herself first, to setting aside her own goals and dreams to meet the expectations of someone else...I again wondered why that could not be me.

Then last night on the three hour return trip to my home from the site of the wedding, my granddad, Granky, was my passenger, and we spent hours in discussion - just me and him. Granky is 79 years old and beholds a life of wisdom, from both wise decisions and foolish mistakes. He has loved the Lord for more decades than I have been alive and planted seeds in my heart and my faith that have sprouted into vines that grow like weeds, thirsting for nourishment at each step of the way. He told me about my grandmother who was eternally glorified in 2002 - in what ways I reflected her spirit and what an amazing woman she was. We discussed the omnipetence and omniscience of the Lord Jesus Christ, and rejoiced in the glory that we are His heirs, with the inability to be separated from His love. Granky reminisced about the early days - we talked of how his missions endeavors ignited a generational passion that the Lord continues to stir within me today. He brought up his Sunday school lesson for the upcoming week and we engaged in the excitement that we were studying the same promises of God hundreds of miles apart, resting wholeheartedly upon the fact that there is therefore no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. In the midst of his pondering, I concluded to myself how thankful I am to be me.

And tonight, as I sit here in the stillness of a quiet home, the only one awake after a long day of family, football and fellowship, I look back upon today. There was a time this morning when I was frustrated about petty moments. There was a time when I was concerned about the aesthetic appearance of my plentiful desserts. For a brief moment, I even questinoed if I had the appropriate earrings for a family engagement where I was the youngest in years by nearly 30. Last night I left a bag of favorite jewelry at the church after the wedding, and until I knew that someone had found it this morning, my mood quickly dwindled to a sober, depressive state that had no merit and permeated to anyone within glaring distance. I allowed the insignificant matters of the day to consume my joy and remove my passion.

I let go of the eternal perspective. It seems that God always brings me back to that. In an ironic bout with Thanksgiving today, I forgot why I was thankful and concentrated on what had gone awry in my endeavors. But tonight I was reminded in the source of my satisfaction - in the eternal significance of my decisions. Regardless of who I want to be, who I wish I was, or what I would like to become, I have been given gifts - amazing gifts - and God is molding me daily into exactly what He wants me to be. When the only reward that I am seeing is one defined by the world around me, I am brought back to the underlying truth - that "the deepest reward is in the very fact that we will become what our Creator intends us to become..." (Iosif Ton) He intends to use me however He desires and will change my desires to match His, if I will only submit to His guidance and will. Psalm 37:4

Today (once again), I let go of what I want now for what He wants in His everlasting greatness. I let go of my desires so that I can rest in His peace when He replaces my desires with His and fulfills me in purpose and in love. The decisions that I willfully make today are making me into a very specific person, and the person I am today is preparing me for the person I will be in all of eternity. Today is the only day I have to prepare for the rest of eternity. Today is the only day that I can make a difference in another's life...make a difference for eternity. Tomorrow Christ returns, and in the split second moment between life and death, I lose the chance to make an eternal difference.

Everything that I was longing for last night, God has already fulfilled. He has gone before me - every time I wish that I had the life of someone else, I deny the power and plan in which God has devoted 26 years. He has made me for a mission today, and I am to be prepared for that task. I am to be prepared for eternity. I must be prepared for right now.

I prepare for today by looking at eternity. I prepare for eternity by looking at today.

Thanksgiving Day Prayer

"Most Gracious Lord God, from whom proceedeth every good and perfect gift, I offer to thy divine majesty my unfeigned praise & thanksgiving for all thy mercies towards me. Thou mad'st me at first and hast ever since sustained the work of thy own hand; thou gav'st thy Son to die for me; and hast given me assurance of salvation, upon my repentance and sincerely endeavoring to conform my life to his holy precepts and example. Thou art pleased to lengthen out to me the time of repentance and to move me to it by thy spirit and by the word, by thy mercies, and by thy judgments; out of a deepness of thy mercies, and by my own unworthiness, I do appear before thee at this time; I have sinned and done very wickedly, be merciful to me, O God, and pardon me for Jesus Christ sake; instruct me in the particulars of my duty, and suffer me not to be tempted above what thou givest me strength to bear. Take care, I pray thee of my affairs and more and more direct me in thy truth, defend me from my enemies, especially my spiritual ones. Suffer me not to be drawn from thee, by the blandishments of the world, carnal desires, the cunning of the devil, or deceitfulness of sin. Work in me thy good will and pleasure, and discharge my mind from all things that are displeasing to thee, of all ill will and discontent, wrath and bitterness, pride & vain conceit of myself, and render me charitable, pure, holy, patient and heavenly minded. Be with me at the hour of death; dispose me for it, and deliver me from the slavish fear of it, and make me willing and fit to die whenever thou shalt call me hence. Bless our rulers in church and state. Bless O Lord the whole race of mankind, and let the world be filled with the knowledge of Thee and thy son Jesus Christ. Pity the sick, the poor, the weak, the needy, the widows and fatherless, and all that morn or are broken in heart, and be merciful to them according to their several necessities. Bless my friends and grant me grace to forgive my enemies as heartily as I desire forgiveness of Thee my heavenly Father. I beseech thee to defend me this night from all evil, and do more for me than I can think or ask, for Jesus Christ sake, in whose most holy name & words, I continue to pray, Our Father, & c."

-- the Journal of George Washington
Thanksgiving Day Prayer

That Certain Desirable Pleasantness

Part of the beauty in living life as a cynical and jaded creature is found in the small, pleasurable delights that arise unexpectedly. Is it contrary to pose myself as a negative being in order to more deeply enjoy the minute details of life? Is that me taking control of circumstances by pre-meditating my days with emotions and happenstances that will only prove to be of far greater satisfaction than otherwise cynically expected?

Perhaps.

But I will take a more positive approach and share some of the things in life that make turning off the alarm clock a much more enticing decision each morning. Here we are, a few things God has so strategically placed in my life to create that certain desirable pleasantness...

1. Weather: 50 degrees / Misting
2. Wheat harvest in June
3. Gruver High school football games
4. Playing basketball w/girlfriends
5. Playing "quadruple solataire" with my family
6. New lipstick fresh out of the box
7. Strawberries cut up with sugar sprinkled on them on top of my mother's Pound Cake
8. Making the spreadsheets that I create match the other software to the penny
9. Playing piano for me
10. Driving...fast with loud music...
11. Falling asleep on the couch watching Law & Order
12. Puppy kisses - LOVE dogs, love love love...
13. Sleeping / Napping with my windows open while it's raining
14. ANYTHING Active...athletic, etc. (football, basketball, etc etc etc)
15. Solving "number" problems
16. Folger's Coffee & Schwan's ice cream after a big meal at my parents' house
17. Dresses that empower you (yes, they do exist)
18. "Track weather" (which is in March, just when the weather starts warming up and there is a breeze in the air - this is when my track season started in high school, and houses lots of great memories for me)
19. A clean kitchen after a really big and messy meal
20. Big family discussions at Sunday lunch after church
21. Free gifts at the Estee Lauder makeup counter
21a. Free gifts at the Estee Lauder makeup counter that come in my colors
22. My mother's homemade hot chocolate
23. Doing pedicures in the bathtub with friends
24. Snuggling on Saturday mornings with Maggie (in Gruver) when we're the last ones left asleep in the house
25. Buying new clothes and changing in the car because you're too excited to wait to wear them
26. Big family dinners at Babboo's house
27. The moment when Jen pulls off the wax from my eyebrows and there is still blue leftover!
28. Using a big word and knowing what it means and how to use it appropriately
29. Crying when I'm happy, blessed, excited - tears of joy are so amazing
30. Having good friends that leave even better comments on my blog

Where once each breath was just a sigh of aching emptiness,

Where once I hardly felt the beating in my chest,

Now each breath feels like a precious kiss of life.

Now inside me beat the wings of a thousand butterflies.

-jv

Life without Law & Order

Can you imagine it? NO Law & Order?

Through this period in my life of intense self-discovery (no...not the 20s - just a six-week Quest class at IBC), I was asked to define what my life would be like if I were to please everyone - if I focused my energy and attention on meeting everyone's expectations of me. So in the sense of seeking wholeness from this exercise, I walked down the well-worn path of self introspection and made my token list of all external influencers. I had no doubt that I like for other friends & loved ones to be happy - I enjoy playing a part in their happiness. I would much rather take a burden upon myself and bear the weight of pain than see someone else close to me not being completely joyful. I didn't feel like people have placed undue "expectations" upon me, besides the necessary ones of success, fulfillment, intelligence, marriage, kids, career, joy, purpose, mission...all while keeping a very pleasant attitude. Those, of course, are not too much to ask. Those are merely the necessities of life.

Back to my list - I discovered that there are numerous expectations which I am attempting to fulfill. I have a jaded and cynical perspective sometimes - I feel like everyone around me expects me to be more positive. Sometimes my opinion or attitude can be rather abrasive and truthful - I think that some just want me to be soft and gentle and sweet. I have been through hurt and pain (just like the next person) and have abandoned all naivety the world expects of a young, single girl - but sometimes I am just to be quiet and innocent and approach a situation with all the trust and respect of a newborn baby. Expectations...not loud ones, but quiet, implied expectations...those are the ones that haunt me.

So the guide book did what any effective Southern Baptist Sunday school curriculum would do in order to drive home a point and illustrate the end result succintly - it asked me to draw a picture. DRAW. I don't draw, I don't illustrate, I don't do any of that. So in my rebellious yet justified manner, I decided I would write something to tell how I "feel" when I am trying to meet everyone's expectations. Ergo, I pulled out the clipboard and my favorite pen (Pentel EnerGel Stick 0.7 mm) and began to gather my thoughts.

Sure enough - at the time when I am required to write something for a class, I get nothing. Well, not nothing - I got one thing - a title. That was it. Isn't that the curse for a writer? (I say it like I'm a writer) You should NEVER come up with the title first. I had officially limited myself to this one thought. But I think it was probably destiny (or just God speaking), because the title fit. It is how I imagine my life if I am trying to please everyone:

"Life Without Law & Order"

You see, my definition of "pleasing people" and "meeting expectations" is time and attention. I show people love through the time I spend with them. (I know some of you probably think I don't love you very much because I don't spend much time with you, but wait! That is the tiny little burden I carry around...I need to be with them more! I feel guilty for not...haunts me, consumes me, etc) When there are so many people I love and so many times I need to share with them, my life will soon become one without Law & Order...as in the TV show. Regardless of the numerous times that this show manifests itself weekly on the varied re-run channels, there are still times that I will go weeks without watching. Thus, I am immediately convinced that I need to slow down and take stock. If I don't have time for Law & Order, I don't have quiet time for me. And no quiet for me means that I haven't made one place for God in my busy busy schedule.

Thus, my life becomes one without law and order (the nouns). For we know that God gave us the law to bring to light our sins - Paul tells us that we would not even know what sin were if not expressed through the law (Romans 7:7). So if I pursue a life consumed by the expectations of others, I have no time to observe and partake of the law that God has given us. Now, being a faithful Southern Baptist who just loves that grace, some say that we can ignore God's law because we are covered under grace, so we're safe...

Please note my dissent: if we no longer read God's word and view it as a rule for our lives, we forget about our need for salvation - we continue in our walk as "good-doing" Christians, and soon become self-righteous individuals who are no longer in need of saving. We remove ourselves from the law by concentrating on good works and focus not on our lives, but only our rewards in heaven (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but just go with it...) A life once restored by grace has become a life consumed by "performing" for God, doing good works, enveloped by the daily tasks and random acts of kindness...one that has last order. We are a species generated under God's order of creation - He has dominion over the world, and we are to have dominion over our lives (order). Meeting the demands of the general public completely removes God's domain in my life and replaces it with chaotic and absurd schedules.

So I continue on - continue to love others and do what I need to do to keep them happy and try to meet the expectations placed over me. But in my approach of loving and respecting others I replace the sovereign authority of God with the demanding and menial tasks of another needy human.

So next time you see me in an attempt to meet someone else's expectations or "pre-conceived notions" of which my life should fall under, remind me of the only expectation I need to fulfill - and that's letting God love me and accepting His gift - allowing His law to give my life order.

(...or spending either Sunday, Tuesday, or Wednesday from 9-10 on my couch in front of NBC.)