Self-Control

"The degree of self-control you have in your life is in direct proportion to the degree of acceptance you have for yourself. Put another way, if you don't value yourself, you won't 'pull in the reins' on actions and attitudes that will affect you for the worse." (Gary Smalley and John Trent)

Good stuff - I've definitely been feeling this way lately.

"Single Again"

"...I'm part of the missions group and been on mission trips with the church and even attend the women's Bible study. It's this co-ed stuff that just really doesn't work out."

I said it - I really did. Those exact words. I looked the singles group leader straight in the eye and professed my feelings as to somehow justify my complete and absolute aversion to what the contemporary church has formulated as the token "singles group." We sat near the front because, as the new kids, we didn't really know who sat where and which clique occupied which region, and I felt like the newly joined Baptist who didn't know the rule about always sitting in the back. From my unrestricted view, I glanced over each shoulder only to notice that me and a couple others were the only ones wearing name tags. Put it this way, when we walked in, Erin walked up and said "You guys must be new!" And to my questioning and disturbed look she replied, "...because I don't recognize you!"
1. I feel like an outsider
2. I need a more recognizable face
3. Do we really have to do this?

Lately I've developed a most catching aversion to singles events and singles groups and anything really focused on singles. I love job titles, but anything that further defines me as "still struggling to find someone who can stand me for more than a month but is out there in confidence and contentment making each day perfect because I am made whole without another no matter what society tells me every single day" is not my idea of glorious. Last weekend when I was home visiting my family, an older gentleman walked up, put his arm around me and said, "Amy, are you still single?"
"Yes, Dorsey, I am. "
" You know, I just can't figure that out."

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I replied with the fact that it probably has something to do with God's sovereignty and absolute will, which of course, it does...but to remind me when I'm already a tad bit insecure on the subject? Today at lunch, my friend and I were discussing how we want our focus to be on Christ alone, and not on the fact that we're still single. However, everyone continues to remind us. We had attended a new church this morning, and they had several classes for singles. My favorite: "Living Whole without a Better Half"

Of all the people in the world, I need the least reminding that I need someone else in my life to make me whole. Maybe it's my cynical view of the future or maybe it's holding on to my past, but I will be the first to share with you that I need no man to make me whole. HOWEVER, that is much different than "I need a man to support me" or "I need a man to take out the trash" or "I need a man to hold me when I am down" or anything comparable to those. When I signed divorce papers several years ago, I set out on a pursuit to never depend on someone else for happiness ever again. We're human and we'll be let down. Over and over. Again. But that's a tangent. Back to the single life.

Amanda said, "As soon as you stop kissing ex-boyfriends, I won't make you do things like this anymore." That has nothing to do with this! Maybe it does. Maybe not, but I'm leaning towards...hmmm...fear? Fear of loneliness? Fear of abandonment? Fear of having to attend more singles events only to discover that I AM really one of them too? Today we heard a message about Gideon, that God didn't require Gideon to be fearlessly obedient - just obedient. God can handle our fear, for He's much greater than that. Gideon may have torn down the idolatrous altars at night, but he still tore them down. I may be fearful of what God is asking me to do, but that shouldn't hinder me from obedience. He will never leave me and He will never forsake me. So now I can obey. I can be a single and obey God. But what is He asking me to do?

Tonight our message was about procrastination. I put off things until it's the absolute latest deadline. I put them off because, really, I'm not like everyone else and the rules surrounding this certain task do not apply to me. I procrastinate because I have a very long list of things to do, and I haven't really decided which is top priority. So God...what do I do? What are you telling me? My tool belt is packed with numerous singles classes and fun little snippets like "Single people have much more time to spend with God than married people - treasure this time." So which do I do?

Do I spend my single time attending more Bible studies? Should I start having two hours of intercessory prayer each morning? Should I fast once a week and start praying for a husband? Do you want me to lead the kids at Vacation Bible School and on Sunday mornings? Should I move to Africa for the next two years since I don't have anything here tying me down? Should I enroll in seminary and begin training for whatever ministry you have for me? Do you want me to commit an hour to reading your Word each morning? Should I...could I...what do you want from me God? I'm single. I'm free. I have no commitments. Pile it on, dear Lord.

Kids say that adults don't understand because times are different. Parents tell children that they don't understand because there's no obligation to a family for them. Bosses tell employees how much duties have changed over the years, and the part-timers complain because the employee benefits don't allow them to fulfill their obligations to all other commitments. Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda...

Let's face it - no one in this world has it as difficult as we do. I can list ten reasons that my day was worse than yours as a married person. I could go on for days and write and write and write about all that is wrong and difficult and stressful. Then I stop. And breathe. And there are those roses that everyone says smell so good.

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. My security is that my Father is never changing. He is God to married or single, and obedience is asked of everyone. God is not asking me to fulfill a list of obligations, check them off, find the mate he has for me, populate the earth, and retire by serving dutifully in my church. He says "Seek me with all your heart." That's it. Seek Him. And after we seek Him, we will find Him. The thing that is so honest and real is that He is found in many different places. In Africa, they find Him in nature. He's found in a friendly neighbor or kind word at the post office in Gruver. Tonight, my friends even found Him at the singles event. He says "Come follow me and I will make you fishers of men."

God hasn't told me to go find a husband, yet I make myself available and I strive and struggle to be exactly what someone of the opposite sex would want. He hasn't told Amy Gillispie to "go forth and prosper", yet sometimes I feel like I should have more desires and compassion towards children. God has called me to go into the world and preach the Gospel, and He has also told me to feed His sheep. That is the obedience in which I cower and hinder from, but that is the call to which i must obey, regardless of my fear. He asks me to tell the nations, and I hide behind the fact that singles events give me hives.

God lets us choose our venue - He just asks that we obey. I want to obey now and not later, and I want to obey even when I am fearful. For like the song says, "there's something about the ocean, and I'm lost in love again." When I begin to comprehend the magnitude of the depths of His love and the height of His glory, I lose myself in the beauty of such an awesome God, and all I really care about is serving Him.

Right now I don't care about a husband, but next time I have a bad day and my first reaction is to pick up the phone and reach to a familiar voice, I won't be so sure. But I write to remember and know that God is so much bigger, and He's asked me to love Him, which is to love His people. He is faithful even when I am faithless, and each morning I renew my commitment to His mission...to seek and to save those which are lost. May I be ever mindful of those around me - always. So I am called to go and called to love, and that is first.

Does that mean I still have to do it at the singles group?