In All Eternity

Self-Control

2006-08-10T09:58:00.000-07:00

"The degree of self-control you have in your life is in direct proportion to the degree of acceptance you have for yourself. Put another way, if you don't value yourself, you won't 'pull in the reins' on actions and attitudes that will affect you for the worse." (Gary Smalley and John Trent)

Good stuff - I've definitely been feeling this way lately.

"Single Again"

2006-08-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

"...I'm part of the missions group and been on mission trips with the church and even attend the women's Bible study. It's this co-ed stuff that just really doesn't work out."

I said it - I really did. Those exact words. I looked the singles group leader straight in the eye and professed my feelings as to somehow justify my complete and absolute aversion to what the contemporary church has formulated as the token "singles group." We sat near the front because, as the new kids, we didn't really know who sat where and which clique occupied which region, and I felt like the newly joined Baptist who didn't know the rule about always sitting in the back. From my unrestricted view, I glanced over each shoulder only to notice that me and a couple others were the only ones wearing name tags. Put it this way, when we walked in, Erin walked up and said "You guys must be new!" And to my questioning and disturbed look she replied, "...because I don't recognize you!"
1. I feel like an outsider
2. I need a more recognizable face
3. Do we really have to do this?

Lately I've developed a most catching aversion to singles events and singles groups and anything really focused on singles. I love job titles, but anything that further defines me as "still struggling to find someone who can stand me for more than a month but is out there in confidence and contentment making each day perfect because I am made whole without another no matter what society tells me every single day" is not my idea of glorious. Last weekend when I was home visiting my family, an older gentleman walked up, put his arm around me and said, "Amy, are you still single?"
"Yes, Dorsey, I am. "
" You know, I just can't figure that out."

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I replied with the fact that it probably has something to do with God's sovereignty and absolute will, which of course, it does...but to remind me when I'm already a tad bit insecure on the subject? Today at lunch, my friend and I were discussing how we want our focus to be on Christ alone, and not on the fact that we're still single. However, everyone continues to remind us. We had attended a new church this morning, and they had several classes for singles. My favorite: "Living Whole without a Better Half"

Of all the people in the world, I need the least reminding that I need someone else in my life to make me whole. Maybe it's my cynical view of the future or maybe it's holding on to my past, but I will be the first to share with you that I need no man to make me whole. HOWEVER, that is much different than "I need a man to support me" or "I need a man to take out the trash" or "I need a man to hold me when I am down" or anything comparable to those. When I signed divorce papers several years ago, I set out on a pursuit to never depend on someone else for happiness ever again. We're human and we'll be let down. Over and over. Again. But that's a tangent. Back to the single life.

Amanda said, "As soon as you stop kissing ex-boyfriends, I won't make you do things like this anymore." That has nothing to do with this! Maybe it does. Maybe not, but I'm leaning towards...hmmm...fear? Fear of loneliness? Fear of abandonment? Fear of having to attend more singles events only to discover that I AM really one of them too? Today we heard a message about Gideon, that God didn't require Gideon to be fearlessly obedient - just obedient. God can handle our fear, for He's much greater than that. Gideon may have torn down the idolatrous altars at night, but he still tore them down. I may be fearful of what God is asking me to do, but that shouldn't hinder me from obedience. He will never leave me and He will never forsake me. So now I can obey. I can be a single and obey God. But what is He asking me to do?

Tonight our message was about procrastination. I put off things until it's the absolute latest deadline. I put them off because, really, I'm not like everyone else and the rules surrounding this certain task do not apply to me. I procrastinate because I have a very long list of things to do, and I haven't really decided which is top priority. So God...what do I do? What are you telling me? My tool belt is packed with numerous singles classes and fun little snippets like "Single people have much more time to spend with God than married people - treasure this time." So which do I do?

Do I spend my single time attending more Bible studies? Should I start having two hours of intercessory prayer each morning? Should I fast once a week and start praying for a husband? Do you want me to lead the kids at Vacation Bible School and on Sunday mornings? Should I move to Africa for the next two years since I don't have anything here tying me down? Should I enroll in seminary and begin training for whatever ministry you have for me? Do you want me to commit an hour to reading your Word each morning? Should I...could I...what do you want from me God? I'm single. I'm free. I have no commitments. Pile it on, dear Lord.

Kids say that adults don't understand because times are different. Parents tell children that they don't understand because there's no obligation to a family for them. Bosses tell employees how much duties have changed over the years, and the part-timers complain because the employee benefits don't allow them to fulfill their obligations to all other commitments. Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda...

Let's face it - no one in this world has it as difficult as we do. I can list ten reasons that my day was worse than yours as a married person. I could go on for days and write and write and write about all that is wrong and difficult and stressful. Then I stop. And breathe. And there are those roses that everyone says smell so good.

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. My security is that my Father is never changing. He is God to married or single, and obedience is asked of everyone. God is not asking me to fulfill a list of obligations, check them off, find the mate he has for me, populate the earth, and retire by serving dutifully in my church. He says "Seek me with all your heart." That's it. Seek Him. And after we seek Him, we will find Him. The thing that is so honest and real is that He is found in many different places. In Africa, they find Him in nature. He's found in a friendly neighbor or kind word at the post office in Gruver. Tonight, my friends even found Him at the singles event. He says "Come follow me and I will make you fishers of men."

God hasn't told me to go find a husband, yet I make myself available and I strive and struggle to be exactly what someone of the opposite sex would want. He hasn't told Amy Gillispie to "go forth and prosper", yet sometimes I feel like I should have more desires and compassion towards children. God has called me to go into the world and preach the Gospel, and He has also told me to feed His sheep. That is the obedience in which I cower and hinder from, but that is the call to which i must obey, regardless of my fear. He asks me to tell the nations, and I hide behind the fact that singles events give me hives.

God lets us choose our venue - He just asks that we obey. I want to obey now and not later, and I want to obey even when I am fearful. For like the song says, "there's something about the ocean, and I'm lost in love again." When I begin to comprehend the magnitude of the depths of His love and the height of His glory, I lose myself in the beauty of such an awesome God, and all I really care about is serving Him.

Right now I don't care about a husband, but next time I have a bad day and my first reaction is to pick up the phone and reach to a familiar voice, I won't be so sure. But I write to remember and know that God is so much bigger, and He's asked me to love Him, which is to love His people. He is faithful even when I am faithless, and each morning I renew my commitment to His mission...to seek and to save those which are lost. May I be ever mindful of those around me - always. So I am called to go and called to love, and that is first.

Does that mean I still have to do it at the singles group?

Today

2006-06-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

Day 4 and I am taking a break inside - this is the first full day that we've had no rain, but I can feel it coming. We've awoken the past two mornings to light drizzle, and my toes have been as cold as melting ice cubes each morning. My allergies have kicked in a bit, but it's an absolute delight each and every day.

Smiles. It's the children's smiles that bring the sunshine to the dreary clouds. When I finally get a name right, and then see the look on their face when they realize that I know them personally, stars shine forth from the whites of their eyes, and my heart is warmed just the same, knowing that we share the Father, and He loves each one of us so beautifully.

We spent all day yesterday painting! We did the girls' dormitory in the morning, and then we created a masterpiece in the play room - starting with faded teal blue walls, we painted them all different colors of dark blue, sky blue, and kelly green. Tomorrow after it dries, we'll take the toddlers in and dip their hands in paint and do baby Sudanese handprints all over the wall. Rhonda is going to paint some clouds and some grass too - she is most definitely our creative one, while Natasha is the comic relief. It's been a little contest to see how many times we could make Lance laugh, and she is doing pretty well!

While we were painting the play room, all the kids would just stand at the door and watch. Samuel, Joseph, Christopher, Obadiah, Jane, Grace, Miriam...SO MANY children! They started repeating everything that we said, and once when I was on the ladder, I saw (what I thought was) a very large spider (they laughed at me), and I let out quite a shrill. Immediately following my shrill were six younger boys making the exact same noise! It was quite a laugh for all of us.

This morning while we were painting Sunday (little girl, not the day) came to play with me. We had such fun running around the dormitory and cleaning up the drips that Natasha and Rhonda made. Tash and Rhonda told me that it looks like I'm getting out of my box, as I usually have a child attached to me at all points of the day. Also this morning, I went with Lilly to town to the market. WHAT an EXPERIENCE.

Dirt roads, horns honking...everyone looking down on the (no idea how to spell this, so I'll type it phoenetically) kah-waw-juh. (white person / foreigner) We walked through the market and we saw all sorts of vegetables with lots of people yelling at me in Arabic to come shop and buy their vegetables and lentils that were sitting so comfortably on the burlap sacks on the hard red dirt. Next came the meat market. Whoa. Lots of flies, but "it's okay after it's cooked" (per Lilly). I made the mistake of pointing at the meat, and the man behind the counter (one of many) decided that he needed to talk to me. Needless to say, we quickly scurried away.

Then after we got back to the compound, Lance took Rhonda, Natasha and I to a small textiles store just down the road. We bought to many wonderful things!! I exchanged some shillings with Lilly, and we picked up all kinds of the most beautiful creations. Then Lance drove us over to Samaritan's Purse's logistical headquarters for Sudan. They are reconstructing churches that were torn down during the war - quite a sight and quite a project they have going.

Lastly, the rest of our team should be headed over very soon. Their conference is over, so we will now have to share the guest house with FOUR other women. Oh my!! As for prayer, pray for health. Lance has come down with malaria but is doing better, and Mama is afraid that she is getting typhoid. Several of the kids have malaria and typhoid - but not to worry - we're taking all of our medication!! I also was carrying a bag of bloody meat in it today and scratched my leg on the bag. I'm pretty sure that I didn't get any cow blood (gross!) in the cut, but we're cleaning it three times a day just to be sure. All of the cattle around here have syphilis. I'm actually on my way to clean it when I sign off here.

On a more positive note, none of us have had any stomach issues, which is very common around here. Praise the Lord for that!! We're all doing very well in that area, to say the least. :)

Thanks to ALL of you who have sent comments on this blog and emails too! (yes, I am getting emails despite the "out of office" response) The encouragement is so wonderful and I have been sharing it all with the team. Please keep up the prayers, as we wouldn't be surviving without them. Yesterday we found out that the LRA had gone right by the compound the night before, but they didn't stop and didn't hurt anyone. We were VERY confident that it was only because of all your prayers.

I am now off to finish the painting job and play with a few of the kids before the rest of the team gets here. Hope to hear from you all soon - and see you soon too! Blessings and prayers to each and every one of you...

Nairobi-Yei Day 0

2006-06-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

(Same as this one...was waiting on Hunter. Thanks Hunter!!)

Pitch black and freezing cold, I was laying awake in my room at 4am, thanking the Lord for my peaceful sleep, and praying away the demons that would try to discourage us today. We loaded the bus for the airport at 5:30, and I had such an awesome vision (awesome as in awe-inspiring, not necessarily super spectacular). Nine of us were about to embark on a trip of a lifetime. This was it - no going back. If it wasn't for Bill's flashlight, I wouldn't have been able to see my own hand in front of my face, yet there were people walking along the roads already. The ride was bumpy and the air was still - no one was saying a word. Each one of us sat in silence as we considered the days that were ahead.Sudan. A war-torn, impoverished country with thousands of widows, orphans, and fearful individuals. It was almost like I was on the outside of the bus looking in and partaking of the thoughts and considerations on the minds of our team members. The air was still and extremely quiet, with only the consistent and repetitive sound of the rather unstable engine. But what a ride it was.We arrived at Nairobi Wilson airport (different than Nairobi Jomo Kenyatta) early and drove through the tiny entrance, where a woman was holding the broken yet effective gate welcoming our entrance. Emily (from ALARM) greeted us and we stepped in line to check in, armed with more baggage than all the other passengers combined. This is where I truly began to feel like a materialistic and pretentious American. But everyone was very helpful, and our bags slighted their way under the weight limit.Walking through security was quite the experience - how they do it I will never understand. But comparing this to the way it's done in America reminds me of the selfish and dishonest society that we live in. The small 12x12 room for "Departures" only had enough space for our team, so I took a few steps out the door and stood on the tarmac in the warm sun. Speaking of sun, let me get back to the weather in Nairobi. It's 6000 feet above sea level, and the entire time we were there, it did not get above 70 degrees. No one told me that it was going to be this cold. I have been wearing a jacket since we arrived! However, I am confident that Sudan will be just a tad bit different.Back to the tarmac - standing out in the sun, I am about 30 feet away from the nearest plane. It is full of Cessna Caravans and other comparable tiny planes, and people are just milling around outside waiting for their turn to get on the right plane. We lost the camera bag and had to go searching - thank you Lord that we found it in the undercarriage of the small burgundy Cessna next to our plane. A little mix-up...no worries. Next adventure was Kathleen's missing bag - all of ours were sitting outside the door between the Departure room (which doubled as security) and the tarmac, minus her bag. Hunter piped up and noticed that we saw it out front sitting with some boxes, so we sent the baggage guy to go grab it and all was well.Note to future travelers: count bags.When the plane closest to us started to fire up, Sarah leaned over and said "You know, if that propeller comes off, we're in for it." She was right - we were maybe 10 yards from the plane and they had fired up both engines and propellers were running fast. Soon after she said that, a nice man walked over andk kindly guided us off the tarmac onto the sidewalk where we would be safe.Also...small world. I was talking to a man from Michigan who is headed to Rumbek (north of Yei) to help with building a medical clinic. Much discussion led me to discover that he works with IMB and ships containers! So to any of you who know what work we're doing to send the container, this is a God-ordained conversation. He is very familiar with the logistics and costs of preparing it, so we exchanged info and are going to chat again when we return to the states. Praise the Lord!I'm writing this from the plane as we are flying over the beautiful land of Kenya. When we got up in the air, I looked down at the houses and started to realize that this place looks a lot like America. It's not really that different from up here - now, there's no pools in the backyards like when you're flying over Grapevine and Southlake, but these people have homes and yards just like us. what a beautiful picture of the way God sees us from His seat in heaven! To Him, we are all just alike. There are no countries and divisions - no race or color. But yet He made us so uniquely, and the divisions in our world are merely consequences of our sinful behavior. Individuality is created by the Almighty Lord - race and ethinicity is created by man and his sin. If we look at other cultures ina condescending manner, it's not completely that we are criticizing God's creation, but fueling the fire of man's sin and giving credit to a belief system not ordained by the Father Himself.We are all unique and very individual, but everywhere we go, whether it's to the suburbs or halfway across the world, people are all the same. What a lesson I've learned and hope to retain for the rest of my life, because I have not done very well thus far. And like I said before, it's so amazing to be here and experience Africa again. The people are amazing, and I can't wait to join the Lord wherever He is working today.

Nairobi - Day -1

2006-06-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

(This is from our first night in Nairobi, but Hunter just now emailed it to me...so I'm posting now)

I am sitting in my room at Resurrection Garden, our first overnight stop on Africa 2006. It has been quite an experience already, and we are preparing for an early 4:45a rise tomorrow to make our flight to Yei, Sudan. Things of which I am confident:
1. God is sovereign.
2. He's got big plans.
3. Satan is furious.
We have a most incredible team and have been traveling with another group from IBC going to Rwanda. Upon leaving Dallas, we had 16, then sent two straight to Mombasa for a six-week stay. Tomorrow nine of us will head to Sudan and five will go to Rwanda. Within the Rwanda team are three people who will be ever so obscurely going into Congo for two days to research the women who are being raped and beaten just for being of the female gender.

We are surrounded by heartbreaking stories in all these countries, and we have a heart to go on a mission trip to carry the Lord's cross and unconditional love to those who do not know. Yet what we tend to lose sight of is the fact that these people are faced with travesties each and every day of their lives. To them, past, present and future are all one in the same. Hope for tomorrow is as bleak as the suffering they endured today. I am very confident that God has called me to this place, to serve Him as a member of this team. What I've realized today is that I have quickly been caught up in the "ministering for two weeks" mindset, while this is an eternal battle for the Kingdom.

Of what I am most thankful is the strength and power of the Kingdom itself, which beholds within it beautiful and perfect creations in the children of God. On Day 3 (this is Sunday, right?), we have already laughed heartily together and even cried tears of joy and a few of fear, not to mention the fact that we have all said something drudgingly ridiculous and simple, been yelled at by the operator of the underground tunnel in London (What the heck do you think you're doing??...Mind the flaming doors!!!), met intriguing and interesting individuals on the plane, discussed in depth how our digestive system is greatly disrupted when in Africa, and taken numerous embarrassing pictures in order to capture the glorious memories of each day.

I walked back to my room alone from the prayer garden (yes, it's a silent prayer garden - we're staying with nuns), and I was greeted by beautiful smiles of the precious African children. We shared greetings of "Jambo" and "Habari", and as I walked away, I could hear them giggling and laughing and sharing quiet secrets about the "mizungu". I wish that I could put into words what it is like being back here...back in Africa. I think it's "Africa" that I missed - maybe it's just being back in an area that holds a most passionate and special place in my heart. Regardless, when we were driving through Nairobi, I leaned over to Hunter (teammate) and said "It feels so right being back." Being a former Africa visitor himself, he readily agreed, and things haven't been quite the same since. I was in my room thinking "If I could just get over the shower thing...could I make it here?"

But that is God's department - not mine. If He wants me here, well...yeah.

In the mean time, we must prepare ourselves to go out and fight the principalities of darkness and evil and win souls over for eternity. Ready to fight with us? It's so obvious that Satan is fearful of the victories that are going to be accomplished these next two weeks (which will result in plentiful victories going forth), as there are a few prayer requests that could be shared:
1. Alicia is very homesick, as this is her first trip and she left two sick kids at home. Please pray for God's peace and confidence over her.
2. Natasha is not feeling well, but is slowly improving. Please pray fast healing for her body.
3. Sarah is swelling from the flights - at first it was just ankles, but it is moving up her legs with no noticeable improvement. Please pray this is resolved very quickly.
4. Dawn's bags did not arrive - they are still in London and might not ever make it to Sudan in time. Lucky for her, she's traveling with six other women who can share the apparel wealth, but this is quite a discouragement for her, as the comforts of home are not available to her.

All in all, these may sound like petty requests, but we know that this is Satan trying to rob of us joy and plant seeds of discouragement. We know that the Lord is sovereign, and we are confident in His victories. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is found in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Schedule for Monday: Amy, Rhonda and Natasha head to Harvesters to be at the orphanage and school. Debbie, Kathleen, Dawn, Sarah, Bill and Hunter will be at the Women's Empowerment Center with ALARM leading a women's pastoral conference. Please pray safe travels for us and for the women coming to the conference. Pray for protection over our team, the orphans, students and staff at Harvesters, and for us to submit to the Almighty guidance of the Lord.

Thanks for all of your prayers - I love all of you and look forward to sending more updates. Blessings abound!

"Now to Him, who is able to do exceedingly abundany beyond all we could ever hope for or imagine." Eph 3:20

Day 2

2006-06-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on my bed underneath my mosquito after a long and rainy day. The kids are absolutely precious. PRECIOUS. They hang all over you and every now and then make their way to touch your face after wiping a runny nose and making mud pies with their hands. Needless to say, we carry around antibacterial gel and wash our hands LOTS (not to mention washing our feet 3x day as to prevent worms getting on our feet).

Grace Asuba and Sarah Lilly have been following me around today. Sarah will run up and start saying her name over and over just so you can remember, and Grace will quietly walk up and sit beside and take my hand in hers and sit for as long as I will continue to just rub and scratch her back. They're orphans, but they're just like the rest of the kids in the world. They want love just like the rest. They may not wear underwear sometimes and they may run through mud puddles when asked not to, but unlike you and I, their only comprehension of a parent is our Heavenly Father, and every morning at 6:30am, they rise and attend chapel so all 110 orphans can lift praises to their Father.

Today Lilly and I had a meeting and did "work stuff" and I just followed her around as "Mama's assistant". I had to watch her turn away two children (we need room for children who have no caretakers at all...these did) and we drove out to the airstrip to pick up supplies that were shipped from the States. Guna rode with us, while Rhonda and Natasha stayed behind to sit in on the school classes and shadow Christina in order to learn curriculum and administration the school must follow.

It's been a pretty incredible day - my shower is a hose and a drain and my pillow is much flatter than the luxury fluffiness I'm used to, but God is good. He is moving and shaking around here and we've got stories and stories to tell. Each child, each staff person, each volunteer...they've all got beautiful stories of God's saving grace and redeeming love. I'm so glad that my story includes the life of these children, as they have nothing, but will tell you that they are the most fortunate children in all the world.

It's a beautiful story. It's a most precious life. Thank you Lord for the beauty and uniqueness of your creation...

Playing with the Kids

2006-06-20T07:11:00.000-07:00

Praying for the babies

2006-06-20T06:56:00.000-07:00

No other word but heartbreaking. I have been following Lilly around this morning and taking it all in – trying to grasp in my shallow limitations just what a day entails at Harvesters. After returning from the school and checking on the students' lessons, we were walking towards the main gate and observed two women entering the compound with one of the women carrying a small bundle in her arms.

Upon approach, the blanket covering the small bundle revealed the frail and lethargic baby of 10 months – a tiny baby boy named Juba. Six days ago, his mother died of yellow fever and hadn't been able to breast feed this baby for months. His round belly was protruded from dehydration and he was struggling to just keep his eyes open, much less lift his head and take in the world around him. Absent from him was any sparkle in his eyes, but surrounding him was the threat of continued famine and possible upcoming death.

Following discussion with the women in Juba Arabic through an able translator, we walked the two women and Juba over to His Merciful Hand Clinic to visit our nurse, Auntie Kelly. One brief glance revealed to her that this was a very very sick baby, so she prepared a bottle with formula for the sister and grandmother and led them through steps to care for the baby, with the translator once again in order.

She picked him up and sighed as she muttered, "oh sweet one, you're just bones." She weighed him and handed him back to the sister, and reality began to set in for them all. Mama has no room for this baby.

She doesn't have enough help to care for the babies, because in this country, the housemothers aren't able to care for many babies due to lack of education, experience, and mere ignorance of the needs. Harvesters is the only orphanage that takes babies. When I asked where the nearest orphanage was that took babies, she said that there was none. The nearest orphanage only takes children four and over. Maybe there's something in the North, but Harvesters is the oasis of refuge for sick children throughout Southern Sudan…especially for sick babies. Some days, four housemothers will walk away leaving Lilly and Kelly to care for all the babies. But the grandmother and sister listened intently as to care for Juba as best they could. Mama whispered to me that sometimes they take care, other times nothing changes. Kelly offered for them to bring him back each week for more formula, but she weighed him first to make sure that they were feeding him formula and not selling it for cash in place of his life. As they walked away, Lilly looked at me and said "We have no choice, as there is no care, but what can we do but pray?" You see, there's no good help here because they are uneducated and sometimes selfish. So what can you do but pray? We could send thousands and thousands of dollars, but with no one worthy of the payment, who can care for the babies? So we must pray. Funds are important, but without prayer, what can we do? How good is a caring heart without a desire to submit to the throne the greatest requests of His most precious children?"

When Lilly asked me what I thought, there was nothing I could do but stand there in silence, and two tears rolled from the corner of my eye and if I said a word, I would have burst into sobs. But what choice is there? No room and no help, so pray. Pray for abundance and pray for miracles, because God promises that He will not forsake His children, for He said to "let the little children come unto me. Forbid them not, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 9:13-15

Juba was a little piece of heaven. Juba still is a little piece of heaven…if we pray.

And as we watched them walk away, two more men walked in looking for a place to send their nine-year-old nephew. And what can you say, but pray?

"…for inasmuch as you have done unto the least of these, my brethren, you have done it unto me." Matthew 25:40

SUDAN

2006-06-16T08:14:00.000-07:00

The time has arrived – tomorrow is the big day. The Lord says go, so I go.
It’s Sudan or bust!

What an amazing year it has been. I look back on the past 12 months, starting nearly a year ago when I was in Mombasa on my first overseas mission trip. God has moved so mightily in my life, and I am so thankful for each and every miracle He has so beautifully created in such detailed and yet such big-picture aspects.

At times this trip has felt like my Gethsemene – in the garden, Jesus left saying “Father, not my will, but yours be done.” He knew what was ahead – it wouldn’t be easy, and in today’s vernacular, it wasn’t going to be a smooth ride. But Jesus knew the steps His Father was asking of Him – to go blindly in faith and in obedience, not knowing what was ahead, but knowing that His Father’s glory was on the line. Tonight, as I sit in the quiet stillness of my living room and am counting the hours until I can take in the plentiful shining stars of Sudan (away from the city stars and lights of downtown Dallas), I accept this next step as my Gethsemene.

The next two weeks are not going to be easy and they are not going to be comfortable. I will be asked to sacrifice myself and my desires for the sake of His kingdom. For the sake of His plan, I must stop looking at today and start looking towards eternity in the eyes of His creation – sweet orphans of all shapes and sizes, American staff who have all sacrificed the comforts of which we are all so accustomed and committed to the Kingdom, and staff, students, and teachers from the village who have suffered the effects of a tragic civil war and still long to serve an unconditional and loving Father.

So who am I to put Amy first? This is His mission and His treasure, and we pray that His purposes are accomplished. Tomorrow I step out of the gate of Gethsemene and towards a promise of His eternal rewards. When Jesus made the decision to hang on the cross for you and me, it was not a decision of personal reward for Himself, but of eternal glory and peace for wretched sinners like you and me. Tomorrow our team leaves the garden not seeking personal reward, but righteousness and salvation for those who yet do not know. It’s not going to feel good and it’s probably going to be a little bit scary, but if obedience and faith were all about warm fuzzies and butterflies, His death would no longer matter and the cross would be meaningless.

Welcome to the Garden. Step out of the gate.

Saying Goodbye to Stella

2005-12-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

There comes a point in one's life when we must let go of the things we love. Sometimes those things are to be lost forever...other times they are replaced. Today I took the step and let go of sweet Stella. We had been through so much together, and yet it was time.

Stella came into my life a little over a year ago and changed my world dramatically. I was less frivolous in my daily decisions and developed a new confidence. She was there to comfort me when I was sad, embraced me when I was frustrated, and took me places that I had never been before. She welcomed my friends and loved ones with open arms and didn't discriminate in her love and affection of others. She was more than I could have ever hoped for and will always hold a very special and endearing place in my heart.

Today I said goodbye. Today I let go, as I found something greater...something more meaningful.

Stella has a new home in Fort Worth and is under the care of Christopher Tootle and the staff at Moritz Kia of White Settlement, Texas. I know they will be able to love her and care for her far more than I ever could and provide new and very loving parents. Goodbye forever, Stella...I will never forget you. I would say that I hope to see you someday, but pending an unlikely trip towards the west half of the Metroplex, it probably isn't going to happen. Farewell, my friend... [Exit Stage Right Stella]

[Enter Stage Left Silverstone Charcoal Passat]
Welcome newcomer - a world of exploration, adventure and endless possibilites await us. Today is the beginning of the rest of your life (for the next 14 months or so...).

World, please meet my new friend and travel guide. Like Stella, she has entered my life unnamed, and is calling upon your assistance. I would like to open the floors in request of a name for my new companion. You see, Stella earned her name. She was intrepid, dangerous, relentless and fast. Stella was named after Charlize Theron and her Mini-Cooper in The Italian Job, due to their desire for adventure and SPEED. The letters of Stella's name also come from an alternate arrangement of those letters found in silver jetta, appropriately.

My charge to you is this: give Silverstone Charcoal Passat her new name and set her free from the chambers of anonymity.

Guacamole and Fat French Fries

2005-12-01T09:47:00.000-08:00

That's all I want, really...a man who will eat guacamole and fat french fries. I believe that it comes down to that.

The two most important things in life:
Fajitas: I don't eat the guacamole - I like the sour cream.
French fries: I don't eat the fat fries - I delight in the baby crispy ones.
Is that too much to ask? Really...a man whose eating habits complement mine?

I could make a list of all the things I want - spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, mentally, socially - it would be a glorious list sending me on a lifelong quest pursuing satisfaction and fulfillment in a mate. I could situate my life and my desires in such a matter that finding a husband with all those qualities would be my driving force each morning when I awake. I could even attend numerous "singles" functions at a church where 50% of the 20,000 member congregation is also single. Maybe I could even join a blogring where I can express my innermost secrets and desires in hopes that my vulnerability will take the game of dating and getting to know one another much faster and eliminate any chance of being hurt too much or too quickly. Ha! Can you imagine going to such lengths just to find a man???

I've heard of other crazy things that could be attempted if you have found yourself in a desperate situation...

I think I could buy the perfect outfit for that one brief moment in church when I just might run into a person of interest for 3.2 minutes and display the confidence that exudes from the wearing of said new outfit.
I think I will set aside every Thursday night for the next 18 months in hopes that "the one" might show up and be interested in my coffee drink of choice, as it exemplifies my independence and consistency, yet willingness to try new things.
In addition, I plan to make it to the salon promptly every 5 weeks for a cut and highlight at $100 a pop, spend $40 a month and 10 hours a week in the gym, purchase monthly mani/pedi combos of $30, and resign myself to endless and exorbitant hours of skin care and makeup application, most likely ensuring the physical attractiveness someone of the opposite sex might find particularly magnetic.
Lastly, I will do something wholesome and fortifying and immerse myself in self-improvement books, women's Bible studies, and life-purpose classes, devoting countless hours to the matters of the heart and mind in preparation for the day I come upon a man who satisfies the 50-item list of qualities I desire in a man, when I can only hope and pray that I, in turn, am ready to meet him.

Ridiculous. I would never do such a thing...go to such lengths just so you can sacrifice your own personal wants and desires for someone else? Laughter engulfs me ~

I know what I want, so just consider this my advertisement in the personals section:

Wanted: SM who enjoys guacamole and fat french fries to spend his life with a SF who has already consumed all the sour cream and small crispy french fries in her life. Ironing capabilities desired. Must love dogs, jalapenos, and scary movies. Others need not apply.

Disclaimer: While I discredit the behavior of such 21st century singles, I too have and continue to succumb myself to the daily tasks detailed above in pursuit of such desires. It's a tough road out there - encouragement to you all in your ardent pursuits of glory.

"...'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:11

Tumbleweeds

2005-11-29T07:15:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share a couple of photos from my trip out west over Thanksgiving. This is my friend Kati, who also grew up in the Panhandle of Texas. We wanted to share the beauty of our land with ya'll, so we pulled the car over and took a few photos of the landscape. Please notice the big sky and flat land, with a backdrop of very typical tumbleweeds and barbed wire fences.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I call home. We don't grow those ol' regular tumbleweeds of merely a foot or two high- we grow those that are mightier than we are tall. Sunday was a blustery day that I saw these critters blowin across the plains...rollin towards nowhere.

I hope you enjoy ~ it's not everyday you get to experience a little bit of West Texas...

Mexican Food

2005-11-26T19:37:00.000-08:00

He told me that I had to blog about his Mexican food, so here I am...blogging about his Mexican food. Cheers to you, Brian ~

I have an incredible family. I really do. As the youngest of three children (and the only girl), I partook in my share...which was a generous helping...of torture. I was tormented by two older brothers who were ten and six years older than me. They got their choice of curfew, while I got the "nothing good happens after midnight" lecture. They wore rat tails and parachute pants, while my daddy threatened to sew ruffles on my mini skirts. They locked me in the house when my mother was out running errands and wouldn't let me play with the cousins during intense games of hide & seek at Babboo's house. But my brothers were cool - they were supreme.

When I was in elementary, I would ride to school with Brian (since he was able to drive) and we would listen to White Snake the entire way...four blocks to be exact. When he would go to visit his girlfriend in Spearman, he would graciously (after hours of pleading) take me with him and let me hang out with her younger brother. Big time. His friends always ignored me when they would come to visit, but I always found some way to get in on their fun.

Back long before school started, Clay devoted hours to teaching me everything that he knew. I was reading by age four, as he had me checking out books from the Gillispie library - children's books with homemade white check out cards strategically taped in the back. Clay took me under his wing and showed me the ropes - building castles in the sand box, learning to skate on roller skates, cooking in our easy-bake oven, performing tricks on the trampoline, and even learning what it takes to take care of our dogs - Baxter the cocker spaniel and Glory the dalmatian. I was his student and he was my teacher.

Both of them went before me and made the road a little easier to travel. We spent hours with my dad working cattle at the West Place, and both had to repeatedly encourage me in how to properly yell at the cattle to get them herded the right direction. With Brian and Clay driving the tractor years ahead of me, the task became less strenuous when I knew it was just part of being a farmer's child. Both of them went ahead of me to Tech, so when it was my turn, I knew two people who had not only succeeded away from home, but were willing to give me hints and advice for the unknown steps ahead of me. Brian secured a position for me working at the athletic ticket office, while Clay spent hours toting me around campus and making sure I knew exactly where Holden Hall was located.

So yeah, we may be far apart in age and didn't spend lots of time together in school...
You can safely say we didn't spend time in deep, meaningful conversations...
You could even go so far as to say that the three of us really don't have that much in common...
except for one thing...

We're family. We make up a crew of five who do love each other and care about the well being of one another. We know that we're family in an even greater aspect - God's family - and are brothers and sister(s) under His name. And I guess I don't say it often enough, but I do love them so. Perhaps I have even ventured down the road and say that there were times in my life that both of them disappointed me. But I know I haven't always been pristine, and that my actions have also housed disappointment they did not expect. But I do owe them a considerable amount of thanks and never say it often enough.

To Clay...three cheers to you. I thank you for the years you spent educating me and nurturing me...26 and counting. For starting me out on the right foot and even taking me in at age 23 when I didn't have an idea of who I was or where I was going...you were fit for the task. Thanks for loving me when I was most unlovable and for sharing plane tickets when I was not even deserving. You are diligent in your efforts, and I congratulate you and rejoice with you on the milestones your life is exceedingly surpassing. You are to not only be commended, but to be humbly thanked for making sure we were able to share our lives together.

And to Brian...here is to your Mexican food. Here is to years surpassed that included family vacations completely annoying one another, moving towards sitting down to a fantastic dinner cooked by you (he has turned over this rather intriguing domestic side) and engaging in more meaningful conversation. Here is to moving past petty arguments and finally reaching an age of maturity where your influence in my life and my perspective towards yours can finally be something meaningful. It seems that I spent years trying to be you and you spent years trying to discourage me into something else unique. Thanks for not allowing me to settle...even though it wasn't conveyed in the way I expected or demanded. Thanks for rising above ~

The holidays sure can make you sentimental, and I am ashamed that I have never taken the time to tell Brian and Clay what they mean to me. I undoubtedly rest assured that both are not happy this is posted for the world to enjoy (or endure), but I know that both need to know how special and important they are in my life. We've all messed up and made mistakes - we will continue to make them for the rest of our lives...I know I am going to be a specialist by the time I am our parents' age. But I hope and pray that we all (as in the world) can continue to live our lives in maturity, rising above foolish decisions and days of folly in order to preserve the one thing on this earth of which we are guaranteed - family.

Love to you both - to many more years of Mexican food...

It's Always About Eternity

2005-11-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

Last night I ran into my cousin whose life told a story of one who has endured endless pain, suffering and disappointment, yet last night she reflected glory, beauty and grace. I told her so. I looked into her eyes and explained the perfect exquisiteness she was, at that very moment, beholding. She is a mother of three beaming boys - ages eight, six and two - and recently became a newlywed again. Despite knowing her intense past and experiencing the endurance of her suffering, I looked longingly at her glowing countenance and wondered why it wasn't me.

Her sister was whose wedding we were attending. I did not covet the exorbitant yet grandiose collection of white organza and pink satin flowing gracefully from her shapely figure, yet the sparkle in her eye captured peace and satisfaction beyond the vows she was yet to recite. Her countenance emitted peace, despite the whirlwind of chaos and decisions abounding right outside the bridal suite's door. She was about to make a lifelong commitment to a man she's only known for a short time and was publicly proclaiming her diligence in maintaining purity for this one man who had done the same. Entering into a vast unknown of sacrifice and dedication, of committing to no longer thinking of herself first, to setting aside her own goals and dreams to meet the expectations of someone else...I again wondered why that could not be me.

Then last night on the three hour return trip to my home from the site of the wedding, my granddad, Granky, was my passenger, and we spent hours in discussion - just me and him. Granky is 79 years old and beholds a life of wisdom, from both wise decisions and foolish mistakes. He has loved the Lord for more decades than I have been alive and planted seeds in my heart and my faith that have sprouted into vines that grow like weeds, thirsting for nourishment at each step of the way. He told me about my grandmother who was eternally glorified in 2002 - in what ways I reflected her spirit and what an amazing woman she was. We discussed the omnipetence and omniscience of the Lord Jesus Christ, and rejoiced in the glory that we are His heirs, with the inability to be separated from His love. Granky reminisced about the early days - we talked of how his missions endeavors ignited a generational passion that the Lord continues to stir within me today. He brought up his Sunday school lesson for the upcoming week and we engaged in the excitement that we were studying the same promises of God hundreds of miles apart, resting wholeheartedly upon the fact that there is therefore no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. In the midst of his pondering, I concluded to myself how thankful I am to be me.

And tonight, as I sit here in the stillness of a quiet home, the only one awake after a long day of family, football and fellowship, I look back upon today. There was a time this morning when I was frustrated about petty moments. There was a time when I was concerned about the aesthetic appearance of my plentiful desserts. For a brief moment, I even questinoed if I had the appropriate earrings for a family engagement where I was the youngest in years by nearly 30. Last night I left a bag of favorite jewelry at the church after the wedding, and until I knew that someone had found it this morning, my mood quickly dwindled to a sober, depressive state that had no merit and permeated to anyone within glaring distance. I allowed the insignificant matters of the day to consume my joy and remove my passion.

I let go of the eternal perspective. It seems that God always brings me back to that. In an ironic bout with Thanksgiving today, I forgot why I was thankful and concentrated on what had gone awry in my endeavors. But tonight I was reminded in the source of my satisfaction - in the eternal significance of my decisions. Regardless of who I want to be, who I wish I was, or what I would like to become, I have been given gifts - amazing gifts - and God is molding me daily into exactly what He wants me to be. When the only reward that I am seeing is one defined by the world around me, I am brought back to the underlying truth - that "the deepest reward is in the very fact that we will become what our Creator intends us to become..." (Iosif Ton) He intends to use me however He desires and will change my desires to match His, if I will only submit to His guidance and will. Psalm 37:4

Today (once again), I let go of what I want now for what He wants in His everlasting greatness. I let go of my desires so that I can rest in His peace when He replaces my desires with His and fulfills me in purpose and in love. The decisions that I willfully make today are making me into a very specific person, and the person I am today is preparing me for the person I will be in all of eternity. Today is the only day I have to prepare for the rest of eternity. Today is the only day that I can make a difference in another's life...make a difference for eternity. Tomorrow Christ returns, and in the split second moment between life and death, I lose the chance to make an eternal difference.

Everything that I was longing for last night, God has already fulfilled. He has gone before me - every time I wish that I had the life of someone else, I deny the power and plan in which God has devoted 26 years. He has made me for a mission today, and I am to be prepared for that task. I am to be prepared for eternity. I must be prepared for right now.

I prepare for today by looking at eternity. I prepare for eternity by looking at today.

Thanksgiving Day Prayer

2005-11-24T19:55:00.000-08:00

"Most Gracious Lord God, from whom proceedeth every good and perfect gift, I offer to thy divine majesty my unfeigned praise & thanksgiving for all thy mercies towards me. Thou mad'st me at first and hast ever since sustained the work of thy own hand; thou gav'st thy Son to die for me; and hast given me assurance of salvation, upon my repentance and sincerely endeavoring to conform my life to his holy precepts and example. Thou art pleased to lengthen out to me the time of repentance and to move me to it by thy spirit and by the word, by thy mercies, and by thy judgments; out of a deepness of thy mercies, and by my own unworthiness, I do appear before thee at this time; I have sinned and done very wickedly, be merciful to me, O God, and pardon me for Jesus Christ sake; instruct me in the particulars of my duty, and suffer me not to be tempted above what thou givest me strength to bear. Take care, I pray thee of my affairs and more and more direct me in thy truth, defend me from my enemies, especially my spiritual ones. Suffer me not to be drawn from thee, by the blandishments of the world, carnal desires, the cunning of the devil, or deceitfulness of sin. Work in me thy good will and pleasure, and discharge my mind from all things that are displeasing to thee, of all ill will and discontent, wrath and bitterness, pride & vain conceit of myself, and render me charitable, pure, holy, patient and heavenly minded. Be with me at the hour of death; dispose me for it, and deliver me from the slavish fear of it, and make me willing and fit to die whenever thou shalt call me hence. Bless our rulers in church and state. Bless O Lord the whole race of mankind, and let the world be filled with the knowledge of Thee and thy son Jesus Christ. Pity the sick, the poor, the weak, the needy, the widows and fatherless, and all that morn or are broken in heart, and be merciful to them according to their several necessities. Bless my friends and grant me grace to forgive my enemies as heartily as I desire forgiveness of Thee my heavenly Father. I beseech thee to defend me this night from all evil, and do more for me than I can think or ask, for Jesus Christ sake, in whose most holy name & words, I continue to pray, Our Father, & c."

-- the Journal of George Washington
Thanksgiving Day Prayer

That Certain Desirable Pleasantness

2005-11-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

Part of the beauty in living life as a cynical and jaded creature is found in the small, pleasurable delights that arise unexpectedly. Is it contrary to pose myself as a negative being in order to more deeply enjoy the minute details of life? Is that me taking control of circumstances by pre-meditating my days with emotions and happenstances that will only prove to be of far greater satisfaction than otherwise cynically expected?

Perhaps.

But I will take a more positive approach and share some of the things in life that make turning off the alarm clock a much more enticing decision each morning. Here we are, a few things God has so strategically placed in my life to create that certain desirable pleasantness...

1. Weather: 50 degrees / Misting
2. Wheat harvest in June
3. Gruver High school football games
4. Playing basketball w/girlfriends
5. Playing "quadruple solataire" with my family
6. New lipstick fresh out of the box
7. Strawberries cut up with sugar sprinkled on them on top of my mother's Pound Cake
8. Making the spreadsheets that I create match the other software to the penny
9. Playing piano for me
10. Driving...fast with loud music...
11. Falling asleep on the couch watching Law & Order
12. Puppy kisses - LOVE dogs, love love love...
13. Sleeping / Napping with my windows open while it's raining
14. ANYTHING Active...athletic, etc. (football, basketball, etc etc etc)
15. Solving "number" problems
16. Folger's Coffee & Schwan's ice cream after a big meal at my parents' house
17. Dresses that empower you (yes, they do exist)
18. "Track weather" (which is in March, just when the weather starts warming up and there is a breeze in the air - this is when my track season started in high school, and houses lots of great memories for me)
19. A clean kitchen after a really big and messy meal
20. Big family discussions at Sunday lunch after church
21. Free gifts at the Estee Lauder makeup counter
21a. Free gifts at the Estee Lauder makeup counter that come in my colors
22. My mother's homemade hot chocolate
23. Doing pedicures in the bathtub with friends
24. Snuggling on Saturday mornings with Maggie (in Gruver) when we're the last ones left asleep in the house
25. Buying new clothes and changing in the car because you're too excited to wait to wear them
26. Big family dinners at Babboo's house
27. The moment when Jen pulls off the wax from my eyebrows and there is still blue leftover!
28. Using a big word and knowing what it means and how to use it appropriately
29. Crying when I'm happy, blessed, excited - tears of joy are so amazing
30. Having good friends that leave even better comments on my blog

Where once each breath was just a sigh of aching emptiness,

Where once I hardly felt the beating in my chest,

Now each breath feels like a precious kiss of life.

Now inside me beat the wings of a thousand butterflies.

-jv

Life without Law & Order

2005-11-03T10:21:00.000-08:00

Can you imagine it? NO Law & Order?

Through this period in my life of intense self-discovery (no...not the 20s - just a six-week Quest class at IBC), I was asked to define what my life would be like if I were to please everyone - if I focused my energy and attention on meeting everyone's expectations of me. So in the sense of seeking wholeness from this exercise, I walked down the well-worn path of self introspection and made my token list of all external influencers. I had no doubt that I like for other friends & loved ones to be happy - I enjoy playing a part in their happiness. I would much rather take a burden upon myself and bear the weight of pain than see someone else close to me not being completely joyful. I didn't feel like people have placed undue "expectations" upon me, besides the necessary ones of success, fulfillment, intelligence, marriage, kids, career, joy, purpose, mission...all while keeping a very pleasant attitude. Those, of course, are not too much to ask. Those are merely the necessities of life.

Back to my list - I discovered that there are numerous expectations which I am attempting to fulfill. I have a jaded and cynical perspective sometimes - I feel like everyone around me expects me to be more positive. Sometimes my opinion or attitude can be rather abrasive and truthful - I think that some just want me to be soft and gentle and sweet. I have been through hurt and pain (just like the next person) and have abandoned all naivety the world expects of a young, single girl - but sometimes I am just to be quiet and innocent and approach a situation with all the trust and respect of a newborn baby. Expectations...not loud ones, but quiet, implied expectations...those are the ones that haunt me.

So the guide book did what any effective Southern Baptist Sunday school curriculum would do in order to drive home a point and illustrate the end result succintly - it asked me to draw a picture. DRAW. I don't draw, I don't illustrate, I don't do any of that. So in my rebellious yet justified manner, I decided I would write something to tell how I "feel" when I am trying to meet everyone's expectations. Ergo, I pulled out the clipboard and my favorite pen (Pentel EnerGel Stick 0.7 mm) and began to gather my thoughts.

Sure enough - at the time when I am required to write something for a class, I get nothing. Well, not nothing - I got one thing - a title. That was it. Isn't that the curse for a writer? (I say it like I'm a writer) You should NEVER come up with the title first. I had officially limited myself to this one thought. But I think it was probably destiny (or just God speaking), because the title fit. It is how I imagine my life if I am trying to please everyone:

"Life Without Law & Order"

You see, my definition of "pleasing people" and "meeting expectations" is time and attention. I show people love through the time I spend with them. (I know some of you probably think I don't love you very much because I don't spend much time with you, but wait! That is the tiny little burden I carry around...I need to be with them more! I feel guilty for not...haunts me, consumes me, etc) When there are so many people I love and so many times I need to share with them, my life will soon become one without Law & Order...as in the TV show. Regardless of the numerous times that this show manifests itself weekly on the varied re-run channels, there are still times that I will go weeks without watching. Thus, I am immediately convinced that I need to slow down and take stock. If I don't have time for Law & Order, I don't have quiet time for me. And no quiet for me means that I haven't made one place for God in my busy busy schedule.

Thus, my life becomes one without law and order (the nouns). For we know that God gave us the law to bring to light our sins - Paul tells us that we would not even know what sin were if not expressed through the law (Romans 7:7). So if I pursue a life consumed by the expectations of others, I have no time to observe and partake of the law that God has given us. Now, being a faithful Southern Baptist who just loves that grace, some say that we can ignore God's law because we are covered under grace, so we're safe...

Please note my dissent: if we no longer read God's word and view it as a rule for our lives, we forget about our need for salvation - we continue in our walk as "good-doing" Christians, and soon become self-righteous individuals who are no longer in need of saving. We remove ourselves from the law by concentrating on good works and focus not on our lives, but only our rewards in heaven (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but just go with it...) A life once restored by grace has become a life consumed by "performing" for God, doing good works, enveloped by the daily tasks and random acts of kindness...one that has last order. We are a species generated under God's order of creation - He has dominion over the world, and we are to have dominion over our lives (order). Meeting the demands of the general public completely removes God's domain in my life and replaces it with chaotic and absurd schedules.

So I continue on - continue to love others and do what I need to do to keep them happy and try to meet the expectations placed over me. But in my approach of loving and respecting others I replace the sovereign authority of God with the demanding and menial tasks of another needy human.

So next time you see me in an attempt to meet someone else's expectations or "pre-conceived notions" of which my life should fall under, remind me of the only expectation I need to fulfill - and that's letting God love me and accepting His gift - allowing His law to give my life order.

(...or spending either Sunday, Tuesday, or Wednesday from 9-10 on my couch in front of NBC.)

Gird Up Your Minds

2005-10-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

"Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:13-16

Learned something new today about "...gird up the loins of your mind..."
This phrase is an image taken from the way in which the Israelites ate the passover with the loose outer robe girded up around their waist, gathered close to them. Christ said to "gird up" your loins, as to get ready for a journey. They were to gird their long and loose garments that their clothing might not be a hindrance to them, so they might perform their duties, their journey, in a most expeditious manner. In the journey, in the battle, they did not want their garments to be a distraction to the focus, which was the race that had been set before them.

In the above verse, Christ tells up to gird up the loins of our mind. He is not only telling us to eliminate all distractions and hindrances - He is also telling us that we are to always be ready to head into battle. We are to look all around us, at every aspect of our lives, and restrain our extravagances, gather our affections closely to us, disengage ourselves from all in the world that hinders us, and go on resolutely in obedience to Christ. He even tells us earlier in the scriptures to "put on the full armor of Christ", as though somehow blatantly saying, "Amy, we're going to war."

Most of you know my work situation. To explain in the simplest of all terms...in West Texas slang so all can understand...it ain't the most hunky dory place to be [please say aloud with Corsicana accent to realize the full affect]. However, Christ tells us that we will have troubles...and then He does something great. In the same breath, He reminds us that He has already overcome the world. (John 16:33) He tells us that we will be persecuted for His sake, but that the Kingdom of Heaven will be ours! (Matthew 5:10) I so often question why I have to be in such a difficult situation here in the office, but a friend reminded me this weekend that I have been placed not only on the battlefield, but on the front lines. I am no longer fighting against just the ebb and flow of the daily Dow Jones, but also "against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Eph 6:12) Why God...why? Why can't I be like my other girlfriend who works with lots and lots of Christians??

So I ask God everyday to use me as He wishes, and then run scared when He does. Today I am of the new realization...the new inspiration...that God has chosen me "for such a time as this." I am to be...WE are to be the salt and light that brings substance to the world, to bring light to a place of darkness, and to rejoice fervently in the almighty plan that has been strategically placed before us.

Sometimes it's about me...today it's about my willingness to be a soldier. Sure I'm ready to fight...but am I ready to die? Die to myself? Die to my desires to further His kingdom? Whoa.

The story has been introduced, the plot thickens...
How does the story end for you? The finale in my life is yet to be realized...

Hands

2005-10-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

My God, My God...forgive me, for I have forsaken you. I have forgotten where my treasure lies - I have sought its reward in my earthly quest.

Above is the new profile picture - my vision of eternity and what truly matters - it enumerates my passions so explicitly. This picture was taken outside of Mombasa in Kenya, Africa, and exhibits a perfect representation - in it are the hands of women who had been working diligently for the matters of Christ's glory, for the eternal purpose of bringing those who do not know from the cold darkness to warming light. But not just are they women, one is a young girl of 12 years named Anna, another is a young married teacher named Shirley, the third is Debbie, a mother of two who plays an intricate role in her church's missions, and lastly is me, a 26 year old professional longing for the day when I realize that God has handed me life, over which I am to have dominion. Apart, we are hands seeking to serve Him and fulfill His purpose - together, we are a body comprised of many parts, working together for the eternal Kingdom. These are our hands. We are His hands.

Avoiding any chance of someone not completely understanding my passion and my struggles that drive it, I must be wholly transparent in defining my self-sufficient behavior...I often selfishly wondered "so what if I don't produce any fruit in this pursuit? I will still be in heaven with my Savior. I'll still be there with Christ, and they say there's no jealousy or sin in heaven...so it will all be okay, right?" I believe in my heart of hearts that is true. However, a new morsel of greatness has been introduced to my theological treasure box and I must share it with you.

The Bema Seat of Christ (from www.gotquestions.com)
A believer's deeds are judged at the Judgment Seat of Christ (Romans 14:10-12). This judgment does not determine salvation, but rather is when believers must give an account of their lives to Christ. We should not look at the Judgment Seat of Christ as God judging our sins, but rather as God rewarding us for our lives. Yes, we will have to give an account of our lives. Part of this is surely answering for the sins we committed. However, I do not think that is going to be the focus of the Judgment Seat of Christ. At the Judgment Seat of Christ, believers are rewarded based on how faithfully they served Christ (1 Corinthians 9:4-27; 2 Timothy 2:5). The things we will likely be judged on is how well we obeyed the Great Commission (Matt 28:18-20), how victorious we were over sin (Romans 6:1-4), how well we controlled our tongue (James 3:1-9), etc. The Bible speaks of believers receiving crowns for different things based on how faithfully they served Christ (1Corinthians 9:4-27; 2Timothy 2:5). The various crowns are described in 2 Timothy 2:5; 2 Timothy 4:8; James 1:12; 1 Peter 5:4; Revelation 2:10.

So you see, besides the judgement of sin, we will be judged according to our devotion to Christ. It has become immediately clear to me. Our heavenly reward stems from the greatest commandment - to love the Lord with all our hearts and love our neighbor as ourselves. Luke 10:27 All of Christ's commandments have either to do with loving Him or loving others...loving His creation. So back to Matthew 6:19-21 - God tells us to store up eternal treasure, so what is the one thing here on earth that has eternal capacity? People. You and me. Him and her. God tells us there is nothing (NOTHING!) more rewarding than investing in someone who you will know for eternity.

I want a crown. I cannot even begin to fathom the day that I can bow before Christ wearing the crown of glory, of righteousness, or of life! To be looked upon by God and know that I am His good and faithful servant...to be united with THE almighty Victor in His battle over life... We have a higher calling to be the hands of Christ. We are to offer His bleeding hands of sacrifice and love to another who needs healing. We are to find the one with earthly wealth and riches beyond compare and offer the compassion of a carpenter, poor and contrite.

When discussing the value of my insignificant earthly possessions Wednesday night, a friend just simply asked "Is it flammable?" As my countenance revealed my bewilderment, she smiled and said, "Amy, if it burns, it's not going with you."

Today my heart burns, but in a much different way. For my only calling is to invest in the lives of others and seek His eternal purpose...for my hands are His only tool, and together, we are His body, broken for His sacrifices.

These are my hands - they are His gift to you.

Whose

2005-10-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

My heart is dry but still I'm singing...Rain Down.

I am longing for the precipitative grace that Christ so undeservingly shares. I am surrounded by water - by unending streams and fountains of fulfillment, but instead feel a parched sensation that is brought on by such complacency and false contentment that I once thought was peace. I seek to know Him with my whole heart - not another thought consumes me more than pursuing a passionate adventure with my Creator, than knowing the thoughts, the motives, the innermost desires He has for my life. But in my short-sighted pursuit, I drink water that does not satisfy and eat only of which leaves me longing for more.

I am the one on the auction block - fallen, naked, and empty. I've sought the pleasures of the world and asked for the approval of man. When there was One who asked me to look to His eyes and be loved in His arms, I turned my head towards the ground and in all insecurity, asked for an ephemeral moment of quiet that would only last until the next cloud approached and the storms rained down. But I am His and I have been bought at a price. As I stand in front of Him with nothing left but failed attempts at greatness, he stretches out His majestic and tender arms and offers nail-pierced hands, dripping with the blood of sacrifice, payment for my complacency and selfish desires. He says "Come to me, Sweet Amy, Daughter of Mine. I will bring you to my glory and raise you to righteousness. I want you now, I want you as you are. Bring to me your insecurity, your fear, your loneliness, your dreams. I want to make you strong and courageous and fulfill your longings and your desires. You are made in my image, with my emotions and my desires. Your life is precious to me and I don't want another minute to be wasted. Come to me and let me love you and restore you to the life I have so intended. You are mine. Let go of yourself and reach for me...with everything you've got."

I am His. I am fulfilled. He is Mine.

Now the next step...

On Surrender

2005-09-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

I don't know where this thought came from, and if I've had it before or if it's a new thing. The main query here is "why?" It all starts on a cool brisk day near the autumnal equinox, when the days gradually begin the descent towards being shorter than the nights, and the passion to be 'just who God made me to be' is in its most ever-present existence. Yesterday was a day full of bitterness and frustration...almost an ominous presence of fear and confusion. Today there's clarity and maybe even a minute sense of peace, but no questions have been answered. (no...tell me it's not true...tell me I'm not like every other woman whose moods are determined by her emotions and stereotypical 'chemical inbalances'!) Unfortunately, I am. I am a human being created with just particles of dust and spoken words from the Almighty. I am made of mistakes, insecurites, fleshly desires, sinful habits...and yet crafted by the hand of the King of Kings. How is this possible?

God is a very gracious and considerate God. He loves us so much that we have a choice whether or not we want to love Him and follow Him. So I make the choice to follow Him. I give my life to Him. I pledge to love the Lord with my heart, soul, mind and spirit. I commit to go into the world and preach the gospel to all the nations, and I even promise to love my neighbor as myself (which is a whole heck of a lot!) Now on to the practical matters...my wants, desires, problems and decisions. What do I do with them? Give them to God? "Okay, God, here you go - you can have them!"

Anyone who knows me knows that I need a 3-step process for doing anything. Please give me a list with little check boxes so I can know exactly what's left to be done! Unfortunately, even though God created my mind to work that way, He wants me to be a little more open-minded, faithful and trustworthy in order to figure this one out. Surrender. When I've got something burdening me...hmmm, let's take money for example. I had to drop my car off at the doctor yesterday and spend money set aside for bills to make it well again. So frustrating! Okay, God, take my money situation and make it yours so I stop worrying. So this morning, when a friend was talking about surrendering a situation of hers, God placed this thought in my head...

"Stop trying to give me little modular aspects of your life - I don't want your money situation or your relationship situation..." What? You don't want my money and my relationship to be yours? "No Amy...I want YOU to be mine." Get OUT! No way. That's it?

That's it. Only until I am able to give Him everything...
I just wonder what God thinks of me. Sometimes I feel so foolish giving the same Sunday School answers and making the same mistakes over and over again. Surrender isn't about handing over something minimal to the feet of Christ, it's about having your life (your whole, entire, all-encompassing LIFE) in such a place that it is already His. Surrender is not waiting on God to fulfill your personal desires - surrender is making your desires His by delighting in Him first. Psalm 37:4...in my own words, of course. Maybe this is something I should have realized before, but it was just so profound today. It's like being a financial planner - people come in and ask us to look at one aspect of their financial plan - their retirement, their cash flow, their children's education - so we run what's called a "modular analysis" to give them an answer. Between you and me, this is not effective. I can tell you how much you need to retire, but does your cash flow sufficiently reflect that? Your kids need education funds, but how is that going to affect your retirement goals? You see, God doesn't even offer modular plans - He looks at the big picture all the time and wishes we would too. Surrender is a life decision, not a moment - surrender is having a broken and contrite spirit, coming humbly before the Lord, denying everything you ever wanted for yourself and saying "Here am I, send me."

Come to think of it, I've had this thought before, because I'm so tired from trying and trying and trying to 'get my life in the right place'. Instead, the Father says to come to Him and He will give rest to the weary, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Drop everything - just drop it ALL right now, Amy. It's His. It's not yours. God doesn't want your money, God wants your LIFE.

Tell Me Please!!

2005-09-28T10:42:00.000-07:00

What is it God? Tell me, please...what exactly are you trying to do with my life? Struggles, pain, trials, lessons...why does there always have to be a lesson? Why can't it just be something that I'm gonna run into and then get out of? Can't we just have a normal day?

Now Amy...who am I to question God? I am just so overwhelmed right now. He's physically removing people from my life. He's literally showing me pictures of who I can be in Him. He's emotionally prodding me to do something more. He's spiritually convicting me about being HIS child. Now...if He could just audibly speak the underlying theme, the ulterior motive, the intended purpose, the end goal...I would be SO much better off...seriously. But it's now become a matter of faith.

A friend asked me the other day how she was ever going to know God's will for her. How else do I respond except with the ominous Sunday School answers..."stay in the Word, pray, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you". Today I told Emmers that sometimes we just need a little skin. God, I need not only skin, but a set of instructions with steps labeled 1., 2. and 3. oh right...the Bible. I know it...I've got all the answers. God can speak audibly - He can physically show you His will. But application...application is the difficult part. Let go and let God. Turn it over to Him. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanding..." Those annoying little one-liners that resound in our head...the problem is that they're all Truth.

Things are good - they really are. But do you ever get that brief sense of boredom and discontent? (or sometimes not-so-brief...) I feel as though God has placed a dozen different "life-paths" in front of me in just as many days. I go back to my days of Psalty the Singing Songbook and remember all of the children shouting at once that he or she could be a "teacher, a preacher, a nurse, a lawyer, a doctor, or even a janitor!" That is exactly what is going through my head right now. Is it a struggle with contentment or is it God pushing me to do His work? There is no definitive path. I want to so be in His will, because, for obvious reasons, "I won't be happy, content, or satisfied until I am."

Goodness, I do sound a bit cynical today. Maybe it's the cold front coming in. Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's just me. Regardless, like my friend needs to hear a heartbeat, I need an audible voice. A very, very loud one.

Thank you God for being who I need...especially when I don't even know Who or what that is...
"...and my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Toothbrushes

2005-09-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

...ya know, sometimes you just gotta learn to let go.

Early this morning, somewhere between wakefulness and dreaming, I gazed into the cabinet in my bathroom and realized it was time to say goodbye. On the top shelf laid two toothbrushes, one of which I removed this morning. It wasn't that difficult to just remove it from the cabinet, but when I looked back on that top shelf, it was just this lonely pink toothbrush laying there all by itself - accompanied only by some toothpaste and deoderant, both of which Pink had trouble relating. It almost made me sad - to see such an innocent toothbrush suffering the pains of being alone was very distressing.

But it was time - it was time to let go of the blue toothbrush. You see, there was a time when it served an incredible purpose. Blue had the mighty task of cleaning someone's teeth - a most precious commodity NOT to be taken lightly. It was responsible for making sure Pink didn't get too lonely. But that time has come for it to be removed from the cabinet - it had a reason to be there but the reason has now ceased in its existence.

Now I am faced with some new choices - do I try to fill Pink's world with friends like Orange, Green, and Purple? or do I learn to like the look of Pink just enjoying the shelf all to herself? (sometimes it is very nice to not have to worry about another toothbrush getting in the way - just more spit and toothpaste I would have to clean off of the shelf) Regardless, Blue has moved on - it has come to a place where it must be content with the fact that its purpose has been served and is seeking fulfillment elsewhere (which is yet to be determined).

It was a difficult thing to do - actually removing toothbrush Blue from the cabinet and leaving Pink all to herself, but I think it will be okay. I will learn to like the look of Pink being up there on that shelf all alone - Orange, Green and Purple aren't necessary just yet. But it makes complete sense - if Blue is no longer being used, if its bristles aren't quite up to par and the finger-grip has lost its lackluster, is it really worth holding on to? Sometimes if you brush too forcibly, the bristles get damaged more quickly, and then what? Over time, the bristles aren't going to get stronger, they'll just gradually break down more and more until all that is left is a mediocre toothbrush with bad bristles.

Rather than excusing the bad bristles with no effectiveness left, I ventured down the path of mediocre tooth brushing because I was comfortable with Blue being there on that shelf, regardless of the lack in its duty. Now it is only Pink that's left and she is learning what it's like to have a shelf all to herself.

To all the 'Blues' out there who are finding their purpose eleswhere - many props for your fearlessness and much prayer and encouragement in finding your fulfillment. My love and my prayers go out to your endeavors.
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day..." 2 Timothy 4:7-8

To all the 'Pinks' who have a shelf to themselves - you are not alone.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified...for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deut 31:6

-- Dedicated to my girls who are new in this "got the shelf to myself" thing...love you two --

"Two are better than one...If one falls down, his friend can help him up...though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Ecc 4:9-10, 12

Freedom...again

2005-09-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

It seems that I am always thinking about 'freedom' and what it feels like to really be free. But in all actuality, I don't think about it enough. I forget about the fact that Christ has released me from the oppressing bondage that sin has on my life. I forget that He became a man so that I might be released of condemnation and set free to share His gospel -

But I'm thinking about a different freedom. Last night I started a women's Bible study at IBC on Romans - the title of it is "Free: Released to Be Uniquely Me." Last night I saw a perfect picture of who I could be in Christ - if only...

After Jesus had risen and was in the Upper Room with the disciples, He ministered and shared his heart with them. Even Peter, who had denied Christ three times, was sitting there next to Christ. You can be sure that Peter regretted his numerous words of denial (yes...three times in less than 12 hours) but was thanking God for the opportunity to be there in Christ's presence at the moment. Think about Judas - the one who gave Jesus up for 30 pieces of silver and betrayed Him with a kiss. Judas had so much regret, remorse, and sorrow - so much pain that he couldn't bear it and went up a hill where he hung himself and committed suicide. Judas himself was his greatest critic and knew he had failed Christ, and yet he kept his head down and his eyes closed to the obvious characteristics of love and compassion Jesus was so dying (literally) to share with him. Do you not think, that at the moment Jesus was sharing with the disciples in the upper room, that He was wishing Judas was also sitting there next to Him? He wanted to release Judas from the bondage he was harboring inside and show him the glory of living amidst the presence of the Lord - release peace and quiet into his heart. That's what He did for Peter. That's what He has done for you and me. But Judas had taken it upon himself to make that decision and that judgment.

Sometimes I feel like Judas - well, sometimes I am Judas. I do things that completely deny Christ of my heart and my life. He wants to release me through love and forgiveness so that I can be uniquely me - that unforgiven sin and deep regret won't keep me from seeking His will for my life. There are many times that I feel too ashamed to go to Christ - even times that I am too embarrassed or ashamed about myself to be who I am in front of a group of friends. I am fearful of their judgment. I am scared that if I share what Christ has given me - if I share the uniqueness He created in me - it won't be accepted and I will be rejected. I look to friend and foe to make a decision about what makes me beautiful, what makes me great. I look left and right...up and down...for acceptance, for grace, for answers. I look in the wrong places, for I am Judas. Judas could have taken his eyes off the ground and looked across the hill of Calvary and put his eyes on the cross, stepped down off the stool he was using to reach the noose, got on His knees, and said "Father, forgive me. Your will, not mine."

I saw a picture of freedom last night - God gave me a vision of just who I can be in Him as long as I no longer remain hindered by fear, by sin, by doubt. I am to walk with faith and know that if I delight in Him, He will grant me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). And I saw that desire just a few hours ago. Now to wait and see...

"Father, forgive me for going ahead of you and being who my friends, family, and even strangers think I should be. Your will, not mine."

Today's Prayer

2005-09-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

"I now put on with thanks the armor which You have provided for me - girding myself with the belt of truth; binding up all that is vulnerable of my femininity; first my need to be pursued and fought for. Thank You for daily pursuing me and fighting for me as well.

I also gird up my desire to be irreplaceable in a grand scheme of Yours. You have placed this desire within me and I wrap Your truth around it, in hope of what You will do. Grant me eyes to see each day in light of Your activity, to live in the big-ness of Your story.

I gird up my desire to offer life through my gifting, the beauty You have bestowed on me. I ask You to continue to reveal and confirm what You desire to do through me and all You have given to me. I trust that You have called me by name and have given me a love, a beauty, a gift to pour out on my family, my friends, and those You bring to me. May this day be an offering of love poured out before You on the altar of my life."

- Captivating

Blog Defined: What Matters

2005-09-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

What really matters? What should be the substance of our lives?

Right now I know three girls who believed they were committed lifelong but are suffering instead from broken hearts. Love and security matters to them.
The population of my city has, in the last week, increased by 25,000 because of numerous people displaced by one of, if not the, most deleterious natural disaster of our time. Food and shelter matters to those families.
My mother is celebrating her 40-year high school class reunion next week and the entire original class is going to be there - not one missing. Good health and old friendships matter to the Class of 1965.

In my cynical world of nothing ever being perfect or right, I tend to move away from rainbows and dreams and find security in struggles and the pain of life. I know struggle is hard because I have gone through it. I know pain is real because I've hurt numerous times. Just because I have experienced those things...is that what is of utmost importance in my life?

I have 'mystical' friends who like to find their hope in the new sunshine of the day when the fight has been too tough. Dreams are an escape and a determination of a prosperous future for them. But avoiding the present and fast-forwarding to the future - is that what is of utmost importance to them?

I tell them they like to escape things - they tell me I'm too negative. But one thing we have in common - we fight our battles with the same strength and we find our hope in the same place. Jesus Christ. Not everyone in the world has that great blessing, because others seek comfort and peace in the temporal and fleshly manner.

My job doesn't matter.
My romantic life doesn't matter.
My car doesn't matter.
My clothes don't matter.
My college degree doesn't matter.
My mother, father and brothers are even out of the picture on this one too, for Christ says that "...He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me." (Matthew 10:37)

We are called on a mission for Christ's Kingdom, and that is what is of utmost importance. His Kingdom is eternal, and we will never be satisfied with something temporal or short-term. God created us for two things - to glorify Him and further His Kingdom. Because my life is richer when I am faithful and obedient, I will accept the call. Now, I will be counting on each of you to help me along on this journey, because I know that I will fall - time and again. Obedience and sacrifice never come easy. But I want my life to be that which will win hearts and souls - through what venue or what job or what country is to still be determined, but as His child, I want to do my best to remain faithful.

...for in all eternity, this life of Amy Gillispie really does matter.